


Let the Stars Burn Out

by i_amthecosmos



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Nude Modeling, Past Abuse, Secrets, They get off to a bad start, meet ugly, minor Ben/Uma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:21:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 31,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_amthecosmos/pseuds/i_amthecosmos
Summary: Carlos just meant to take an art class for fun. Then he sees the model.
Relationships: Jay/Carlos de Vil
Comments: 30
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I took a break from my WIPS by starting another one. This is kind of a hate-meet story where nobody is at their best when it starts.

Carlos only took the art class because Evie made him. “You need a change of pace,” she said, looking over his textbooks. “It’s all science, and no humanities. I don’t want you turning into the kind of scientist who thinks other people aren’t real. You don’t want to be that, I don’t think.”

“I’m terrible at art,” Carlos tried to protest, but Evie shook her head.

“You’re not, you’re just not as good at it as computers. But you could be. Come on, it’s time to meet new people and stretch some skills. Figure drawing class it is.”

“Thank you for picking my new hobby for me,” Carlos snarked, and Evie just giggled. 

So Carlos went to his first Figure Drawing class with some brand new supplies and not much in the way of expectations. He didn’t have to be here, he knew, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. It wouldn’t count against his grade, so he could suck all he wanted. 

He didn’t really talk to his fellow students, just got his easel ready. The instructor reminded them that they would be drawing a model, and to try to do as much as they could before class time as up. Carlos got his pencil. 

“Is the model today gonna be male or female?” Carlos heard another student say.

“I think male,” someone else said, causing the first one to groan. The instructor hushed him just as the model came out. 

Carlos found himself looking at a beautiful man in a red robe. He grinned at the room, then removed the tie from his hair first. Dark brown hair spilled around his shoulders. Then the model took off the robe, sat on the stool, and posed. He stayed entirely still, looking into the distance.

Carlos nearly snapped his graphite pencil. This was the hottest man he’d ever seen. He had beautiful tan skin, and a lot of muscles. He had broad shoulders, long legs, and fuck if Carlos could find a flaw anywhere. He was perfect. 

Carlos got a hold of himself. He was here to draw, not drool. So he took his graphite pencil, and started with the model’s face. It wasn’t very good, but he took deep breaths and kept trying. Eventually, he got a decent rendition of the model’s hair and face. Then he started on the shoulders. 

The entire time, the model did his job-that is, he didn’t move, at all. Because of that, soon Carlos started to phase out of concentrating on his attractiveness, and just focused on doing a good job. The time seemed to fly by as Carlos let his pencil try to catalog all of this man’s body. 

When time got called, Carlos was surprised. Was it over? He looked at his drawing-it was all right, and he had made it far down as the model’s calves. As everyone put down their pencils, the model broke into a big grin, stretched his arms overhead, then put the robe back on. 

“See you at practice, Jay,” one of the students said, and Jay waved at him before leaving. 

_Jay._

…

Carlos looked for Jay around campus, but it was too big for that to really work. But he found a list of student athletes in an online yearbook, and found him there. Jay, football and baseball, studied Psychology, of all things. He had a cute grin in the photo, and Carlos resigned himself to another hopeless crush. 

He told Evie, of course. And she laughed at him, of course. “You need to be attracted to guys you can reasonably have a chance with,” she said. “You’ll probably never meet him, so that’s a no.”

“Right, what am I gonna do, go up to him while he’s in his robe?” Carlos couldn’t imagine, there had to be a social taboo against asking a figure studies model out. He wouldn’t be able to stop blushing, anyway. 

“I’m glad he had you paying attention in class. But let’s work on finding you someone approachable.” Carlos nodded, even though he hadn’t found anyone in his STEM courses. Evie went over her homework, and then stood up. “Okay, we’re done for the night. Do you want to go clubbing?” 

So that was how they both wound up in a crowded club not far from campus. Carlos didn’t like to drink, but he was a good dancer. And Evie wanted o go out with someone who could keep an eye on her. So he would oblige, most of the time. 

Carlos got both him and Evie waters, then they hit the dance floor. They started off dancing together, then Evie moved over so Carlos was by himself. He didn’t mind though. The music was loud and pulsing in his ears, and he felt free for the first time that week. 

Just then, he felt hands on his hips, someone holding him from behind. He turned around, ready to slap the stranger’s hands off him, then froze. It was Jay. No. No way could this be happening.

Carlos tried to catch his eye, but Jay’s face was flushed, and he was clearly wasted. He might not even know that Carlos wasn’t a girl. “Hey,” Carlos tried shouting in his ear. “What’s going on?” 

Jay looked at him then, and gave him a wicked grin. Carlos felt his stomach flutter. “Just want to dance. Okay?” The hands on his hips gripped tighter. “You’re so good. It’ll be fun.” Carlos swallowed, and decided to just go with it. 

They danced together, Jay grinding against his ass. This was a lot for someone Carlos had never met before, but he didn’t push him off. After a while, Carlos tipped his head back, leaning it against Jay’s shoulder. “Good,” Jay said. “Let’s give them a show.”

So that’s what this was, a show? For who? Carlos looked around, and some some jocks standing at the edge for the dance floor, whooping. Carlos figured that was enough, so he pushed Jay’s hands off and turned around. Jay looked confused, and Carlos leaned in. 

“Nobody likes a tease,” he said, and he walked off, phone out to text Evie. He passed by the jocks, who now seemed to be laughing at Jay. Carlos figured this was like what queer girls went through all the time with straight ones. Good enough to dance or kiss, but not worth treating like a person. Fuck it. He didn’t need it. 

Carlos went to the area near the door to wait for Evie, when Jay came up to him. Carlos gave him a flat stare, while Jay seemed to stumble to say something. Finally, he said “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a tease.” 

“I saw your friends laughing,” Carlos said. “That was a pretty shitty thing to do. Is that your game? Find the femmy boys and flirt with them while they laugh?” Carlos saw the hurt on Jay’s face when Evie showed up. “Sorry, I’m not available for asshole straight boys.” He left before Jay could say anything. 

“Did I overreact?” Carlos said later, when he and Evie got to their apartment. “You want me to meet new people. But that just pissed me off.” 

“No,” Evie sighed. “He was using you. I think that he did mean it when he said he was sorry, though. You could have accepted it.” Carlos didn’t say anything, just took off his eyeliner. “Well, at least you won’t be bothered by that crush anymore.” 

“You’re right,” Carlos said. Then he got ready for bed. He tried not to think about Jay when he was in bed, but he could still feel his hands on his hips.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whatever god that looks after college students must have a weird sense of humor, because Carlos and Jay keep meeting.

The next week, Carlos just continued going to class, including the art one. He figured they’d have another model, but nope, no such luck. There was Jay. Carlos wasn’t all that close, so he figured that Jay wouldn’t see him. He was wrong-jay must have noticed his hair, since he honed right in on him for a second. Then Jay settled into his pose and didn’t look back over.

Despite what he knew about Jay’s personality, drawing his body was still a delight. His drawing looked pretty good, more detail and shading. 

As he rolled up his drawing, he looked over to find Jay in his robe, still looking over at him. Carlos decided to nod his head to acknowledge him, and then just left the room. Jay didn’t move or say anything. 

That week, Carlos signed up to tutor students in math. It was paid, and he needed money even though it would add to his already busy schedule. Signing up was easy-he just filled out the form and his name was added to a list of math tutors. Next, the students needing help could contact him. 

Carlos closed the app and forgot about it, ready for his next class.

It was five days before someone contacted him. He got an e-mail, and he answered without even looking at the name too closely. He just wanted to do an hour of tutoring and get his money. So they agreed to meet up at the library that evening. 

He got a seat, and then texted the number he was given, telling him to meet Carlos there. Carlos waited a few minutes. And when he saw who it was, he nearly walked out of the building. He got so far as standing up, glaring at the other student. 

“Um. Hey,” Jay said. They stared at each other for a minute. “I swear, I’m not stalking you, it was just an accident…”   
Carlos sat back down with a thud, making another student look over. “Come here and open your book,” Carlos said. Jay looked confused, and Carlos looked up at him. “Come on. I’m not getting paid to listen to you make excuses. I know you didn’t know it was me. So just show me what you’re having problems with.” 

“I...okay. Jesus.” Jay sat down and got out his books. “These,” he said, pointing to a series of equations. Carlos looked them over, and started working them out. 

“Yeah, these aren’t that easy,” he said. “I’ll do some examples and tell you how I got to those conclusions. Then you do some.” Jay nodded, still looking apologetic. Carlos ignored it in favor of tutoring him. 

The hour went by pretty fast. Jay wasn’t dumb, he just got bogged down by details. After Jay did every equation right, Carlos stood up. “Okay, practice those. Do you want to meet next week?” Jay nodded. “Good. I’m going to wait on my ride.” He walked towards the elevators. 

Jay followed him, and Carlos tried not to sigh. When he got in the elevator, Jay got in too. “Now that you’re not being paid,” Jay said. “I just want to tell you I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel used.” 

“You kind of did. But okay. I won’t bring it up again.” Carlos wasn’t sure he forgave him entirely. He could be a bitter shit when it suited him. “Just don’t do that to someone unless they know what’s going on, okay?” Jay nodded. “Okay. I’m going to text my friend now, she picks me up.” 

“Yeah, sure,” Jay said. Then they got to the floor, and Carlos walked out, texting Evie. Jay walked past him and out the door. Carlos wondered if he’d see him again next week or not. Jay was a weird, frustrating person. Then again, Carlos thought of most people that way. 

Carlos saw Jay in class, but they didn’t speak. They did meet for more tutoring, and Jay was very quiet. When they were done, Carlo was about to text Evie when Jay said “I can take you if you want”. Carlos wasn’t sure why, but he agreed. 

That was how he wound up in Jay’s car. He expected a really nice one, since Jay seemed like he’d have a lot of money. But instead, it was an older car that badly needed to be cleaned out. There were fast food bags and other junk everywhere. Jay threw some of the stuff in the back. “Sorry.”

“You need to remember to put a garbage bag in here,” Carlos said, and Jay laughed. 

“Yeah, you’re right. Okay, do you stay on campus?” 

“Just off it, you know those apartments on Mobile,” Carlos said. “Evie and me live there.”

“She’s your best friend, right?” Carlos shrugged and laughed. 

“Yeah, typical. The twinky gay boy and his diva straight girl friend. We should have a reality show.” Carlos expected Jay to laugh, but he went weirdly quiet. “What? Was I not supposed to say it out loud?” Carlos glared at him. “Look, I can get out, walk the rest of the way.”

“Please don’t,” Jay said. “I just need to tell you something.” Jay had stopped the car at a stop sign, and wasn’t looking at him, just straight ahead. “I’m gay.” 

There was a pause. 

After a tense minute, Carlos said “You don’t tell people this much, do you?” Jay blinked, and then laughed. 

“No. You’re the first.” Then there was a honk from behind, and Jay drove through the stop sign. “So, you probably think that makes me worse. Since I was pretending to be straight and dancing with you.” 

“It does explain a few things,” Carlos said. “Okay, turn left here.” Carlos could see the tension Jay had in his shoulders and back. “Just so you know,” he said, “It gets a lot easier the more times you say it.” Jay nodded. “But don’t think that I’m rushing you.” 

“Thank you,” Jay said then. “For not rejecting me.” They drove in silence for a while, until they reached the apartments. “Which one?”

Second group, apartment fifteen,” Carlos said. Jay drove over and stopped in front of his door. “Thank you,” Carlos said, opening the door. “Are we on for next Thursday?” Jay nodded, but looked hesitant. “What?”

“Is it okay if I call you sometimes?” Carlos nodded. He still wasn’t sure how he felt about this. Jay needed a lot of support, and Carlos didn’t think he was the right person to give it. But Jay didn’t seem to have anyone else. “I mean, if you don’t want me to...”

“No, you can,” Carlos said. “I’ll try to help.” That got him a relieved smile. “I’ll see you soon.” Carlos got out of the car, and waved before going inside. Wait until Evie heard about this. But right now, he just wanted to shower and go to bed. Thinking about Jay was tiring.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay asks Carlos for advice. Carlos has mixed feelings about it.

“So what do you want to do?” It was the next morning, neither of them had early classes, and Evie was treating Carlos to a big diner breakfast. He ate his home fries. 

“About what?” She rolled her eyes at him over her coffee. 

“You probably still want him a little, right?” Carlos nodded. He didn’t mind admitting it. “What if he asks you out?”

“I don’t know,” Carlos said. “I think he wants someone who can give advice more. He hasn’t really touched or looked me over since that night in the club.” Thinking about it made Carlos a little angry still. “So I’m probably not going to do anything.” 

“Okay,” Evie said, and she nibbled at her pancakes. She always ate hers with applesauce on them instead of maple syrup. “You still want him though.”

“Not relevant,” Carlos said, and Evie just laughed.

Jay did text him a few times, but he didn’t ask a lot. Instead, he seemed to be just keeping in touch. A day before their tutoring session, Jay sent a text. **Can we do this at my place?**

Carlos immediately thought _why?_. What did Jay want from him? He sent back a reply. **Is your apartment as junky as your car?**

That got him a cry-laughing emoji, and then **I can clean up**. Carlos had to smile back, and texted back that it was okay with him. They chatted a little back and forth and then Carlos ended the conversation,, telling Jay he had to get ready for bed. He’d done his part time job that night, and he was exhausted and smelled like fries. Fast food sucked. 

The next day, he got directions to Jay’s, and walked to it. It wasn’t far from his place. Hr had to knock a few times, and then Jay opened up, with headphones around his neck. “Sorry, I was playing video games,” he said. 

Carlos came in. The apartment wasn’t that bad, and did seem to have been tidied up. It wasn’t very big, but there was a lot of stuff-video game console, a big TV. “How many roommates do you have?”

“None right now. My former roomie dropped out and went back home,” Jay said. “I think my friend Ben can move in next semester, until then I’m handling the rent.” Carlos realized they were alone, which made him a little nervous, and reminded him that Jay was still hot. “Do you want something to drink before we start?”

“Some water, thanks.” Jay nodded and went to the kitchen, coming back with two bottles. He seemed a little nervous, but Carlos didn’t comment. “Okay, show me what you need help with.” 

The hour went by quickly, and when they were done, Jay left to get another water. Carlos could feel some tension then. “Now that we’re done, if there anything else you want to talk to me about?” Jay sat down close to him, and Carlos wanted to move back. 

“How did you tell your friends?” Jay was looking down at his hands, folded in his lap. 

“I only had one to tell,” Carlos said, smiling. “Evie. We’ve been friends since we were kids. We moved away from our hometown together. We depend on each other. And no, she wasn’t surprised.”

Jay looked up then, giving him a half-grin. “I’m thinking of starting with one group of friends and then working outward. Maybe leave my coaches for last.” 

“Try the people you know figure modeling with first,” Carlos said. “They’re probably the most open-minded.” Jay grinned bigger, looking relieved. “I don’t know how much good advice I can give you. My life’s been a disaster sometimes.” 

“At least it’s yours,” Jay said, and Carlos wondered what the hell that meant. Then Jay stood up. “Okay,” he said. “I guess I should let you go. I don’t really have much else.” Jay went and stood near the door. 

Well, this was a relief. Carlos kind of thought he might try something. “Yeah, I got a long day tomorrow,” Carlos said. “Hope what I said helped. I’ll see you later.” 

“Do you want a ride? It’s late.” Carlos shook his head. “Come on. I swear my car looks better this time.” 

Carlos laughed, shaking his head. “I’ll be the judge of that.” Then he waited for Jay to get his jacket, and they left his apartment.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos keeps meeting with Jay, but his attraction to Jay is distracting.

Carlos got used to having Jay’s presence, in a way. He would see him once a week for tutoring, and then he’d stay over a little later to let Jay talk. It wasn’t bad, but he still didn’t consider Jay a friend. He would help, but that’s as far as it went. 

“You’re being too harsh,” Evie told him when he said this. “He needs someone in his life to support him. And he wants that to be you. Why are you so resistant to being friendly? Not everyone is out to get you.” 

“Nope, most of them ignore me,” Carlos said. He had some candy, and he chewed on a piece of taffy. “He just needs someone to vent to. And I’m the only person available” His phone buzzed. “Oh look, there he is.” 

Carlos looked at his phone, Evie glaring at him. “He wants to know if we’re on for tutoring, and if I want to stick around a little bit after.” Carlos was privately wondering what would happen later, if Jay would get bold enough to come on to him. He wasn’t sure what he would do.

“Good. Tell him I said hi.” Carlos cocked an eyebrow at her. “Well, he needs friends that aren’t homophobic. If you won’t, then maybe I will.” 

“I don’t know if I want to share you with him, but okay,” Carlos said. He knew that Evie didn’t want to be his only friend, and she had plenty of other people she spent time with. But he didn’t know if he liked her taking Jay’s side. “I’ll try to be nicer.” 

“You better.” Evie reached over and mussed up his hair, and he pushed her hand away, laughing. He really adored Evie. He should listen to her more.

…

Carlos met Jay at his apartment again. They were switching between his place and the library, so it didn’t seem weird to him at all. When he got there, Jay was shirtless and had his hair pulled back, half-up half-down, the way Evie did hers sometimes. Carlos just stood in the doorway for a minute, stunned by how good he looked. 

“Uh, hey,” Jay said, with a big disarming smile. “Sorry, I didn’t do laundry. Can you come in?” Carlos stepped inside the apartment, and noted that it was spotless, much cleaner than usual. He felt anxious butterflies in his stomach. Was Jay going to make a move on him? 

He was being paranoid. It wasn’t like Jay had flowers and candles out. He was just half-naked, and Carlos had already seen all of him. No big deal. He went to sit down on the couch. “Looks good in here,” he said.

“Thanks,” Jay said. “I had some extra time today so I cleaned up.” He sat down next to Carlos. “I’ve been busy with all the stuff I do. But I’m going to shut up, I know you don’t like it when I waste tutoring time.” 

“Well, okay. Let me see your test?” He took a look at Jay’s answers. “You did a lot better than the last one. Do you just want to go over the ones you missed, maybe do some practice drills?” 

“Yeah,” Jay said. Carlos looked over his problems, and then did some examples. Jay followed his example, then they did some more for practice, until the time was up and Jay had gotten them all right. “Thank you,” Jay said. “You explain this really well.”

“You can do it, you just get lost in the steps sometimes,” Carlos said. “You wanted me to stay a little longer?” He leaned back on the couch, looking at Jay. “Did you talk to any of your friends?”

“I did,” Jay said, smiling wide. “I talked t some of the models, and it went well. Although one of them thinks I’m bisexual, and was kind of insistent about it. It was weird.”

“Yeah,” Carlos said. “Mostly it’s bi people being told that they’re really gay. Do you know why they said that? Did you date a lot of women before?” Carlos felt that he was asking too personal a question, maybe. Jay smiled, but it was more strained.

“Kinda. More than I should have.” Jay dropped his eyes. “It was just easier.” Carlos nodded. 

“I’ve heard that from other guys sometimes. I never have, though.” Carlos turned his body to face Jay more. “Are you still going to take it slow, coming out to one group of friends at a time?” Jay shrugged. “Maybe you can try going to the gay center on campus. Might speed it up, and it’s fun.” 

“Do you go there?” Carlos shook his head. “Why not?”

“I go during Pride, help hand out things. But I don’t have a lot of friends or go out much. It’s just how I am. I mean, you’ve seen it. I’m not friendly.” Carlos was being matter of fact, not feeling sorry for himself, but Jay looked stricken. “Hey, it’s okay, I don’t need it.”

“I kinda do,” Jay said. “I have a lot of friends, I don’t like being alone. Like, I can’t wait until Ben moves in. This silence is driving me crazy.” Carlos noticed that Jay was leaning closer. “Why don’t you want more friends?”

“I don’t like talking about it,” Carlos said, and Jay moved back at the tone of his voice. “It’s nothing that dramatic, just a lot of bullying for a long time. I don’t trust people not to be assholes.” Carlos stood up then. “Okay, text me if you want to do this again,” he said. “You might not need me for tutoring much longer though.”

“Well, you need the money, so let’s keep it as long as we can,” Jay said. “And I still want you to keep in touch. Okay?” 

Carlos thought about what Evie told him. “Okay, sure,” he said. Jay beamed again, and then came in for a hug. 

Carlos was frozen at first, as this perfect looking, shirtless man’s body was against his. He swallowed and then put a hand in the middle of Jay’s back. His skin was smooth and hot, and Carlos wanted to nibble at Jay’s ear. “Um, maybe better let go,” Carlos finally whispered. He could barely talk, from having Jay so close to him. 

Jay pulled back but didn’t let go, looking confused. Then he noticed the flush that Carlos could feel on his face. He probably noticed the bulge in Carlos’s pants too. “Oh! Sorry.” Jay let go, and Carlos turned away, running a hand through his hair. Some strands fell out of the barrette. “I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay,” Carlos said, short. Jay stopped, and Carlos backtracked. “I’m not mad, it’s just a little uncomfortable to me. I know that being shirtless isn’t a big deal to you.” Carlos faced him again. “I mean, you’re gorgeous. Hard for me not to notice.” 

Jay actually had the nerve to look surprised. “You like the way I look? Oh. Okay. Not everyone does. Some people just think I’m a dumb jock.” 

“I already told you that you weren’t dumb.” Carlos said, smiling then. He was feeling less awkward now that Jay wasn’t touching him. “And yeah, you look good. I’m not even good at art, but it’s a lot of fun to draw you.” 

“Oh, thanks,” Jay said. He looked down at the carpet, then back up at him. Carlos was expecting flirting, or a flat proposition. Instead Jay just held a hand out. “Goodnight. Do you need a ride, or are you going to text Evie?” 

“Um, text Evie this time,” Carlos said. He wasn’t sure if he could trust himself in a small space with Jay right then. “I’ll see you next week.” He took Jay’s hand, shook it, and left, texting Evie on his way to the parking lot. 

When he got home, he went to bed soon after. It was a hot night, so he was naked in bed, sheets shoved to the side and the fan right on him. He thought about Jay, one hand on his dick, and bit his lip when he came. 

Would he really be friends with Jay? And would he survive it?


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe they're both toxic.

The next few days went as normal. Jay was texting slightly more. Evie wound up tracking Jay down on social media until he friended her on a few platforms. “Stalker,” Carlos said, and Evie threw an empty water bottle at him. “You need to recycle these, you know.” 

“I will,” she said, and then went back to fixing up the background of her Tumblr for the millionth time. Carlos rolled his eyes and went back to his homework. 

The next day, he decided to go to the gay center. Just to see what was happening. He told Jay he should go, so maybe he should take his own advice. When he got there, he was asked to sign in. “Are you here for one of the group meetings?” He shook his head. “Okay, you can get something from the juice bar if you want.”

“Thanks.” He looked around-the space was done up in rainbow colors and had a lot of positive posters up, Maybe being in a cheerful environment would be good for him. He was always so negative. He wound up getting a coffee and sat at the bar, reading a book he’d gotten from the library. 

He had finished two chapters when he heard “Hi” close by him. There was a boy about his age, looking nervous but smiling. “Can I sit next to you?” 

“Okay,” Carlos moved his books over. “I’m Carlos.” 

“Josh.” Carlos got a look at him-he was slim and pale, with what looked like a K-pop boyband haircut. It suited him though. He was wearing a white shirt with embroidery on the front. Basically, he was a fey pretty boy, much like himself. 

“How long have you gone to school here?” 

“Two years, almost three. I might graduate early. Computer science. What about you?”

“Theater. Freshman.” Carlos nodded and kept talking to him. He knew he could probably get a date with him. Or maybe even just take him to his room. They wound up talking for a while, then Carlos got up.

“I have to go, but I’ll talk to you later.” Josh gave him his number, and Carlos did the same. “Okay, I’ll see you.” Josh put a hand on his arm, long fingers wrapped around his bicep, then let go. Carlos liked the touch, liked the way Josh looked. He was a cute one.

When Carlos walked back to his apartment, he deleted the number. 

It was better to not get involved. 

Carlos never told Evie about Josh, since she would probably throw another object at him. Instead, he texted with Jay, who seemed excited about something. He wouldn’t say anything over that _I’ll tell you when you come over_ , which amused Carlos. He sure looked forward to Carlos’s visits. 

He realized that he was looking forward to them too. That it seemed like he was Jay’s friend even if he didn’t want to be. Shit. Well, maybe it wouldn’t turn out badly.

When he got there, Jay opened the door with a grin. “Great news.” 

“Yeah?” Carlos found himself smiling too. Jay’s happiness was infectious. “What happened?”

“You saved my math grade. I get to keep my scholarship another year.” Then Jay pulled him in for another hug. “Oh, sorry.” 

“No, it’s okay.” Jay was wearing a shirt, so it was a little less uncomfortable. “I didn’t know you where on sports scholarship.” He had seen the TV and other stuff in Jay’s place, and assumed that he had a lot of money. 

“Yeah, I have to keep it,” he said. “Otherwise I’ll be on the street.” Carlos’s eyes widened. Jay shook his head. “I don’t want to get into it. But hey, I owe you. Do you want something to eat? I’ll order delivery.” 

“Okay. Let’s get pizza?” Evie never wanted to eat that with him. Jay got his phone out and they debated what to get on it for a while until he sent off the order. “Thanks. I could use a free meal.”

“Are you getting grants or anything?” Carlos nodded. “But not enough?”

“I’m in no position to turn down help,” he said. “But I work and I have to be really careful. I’m glad for anything I get. I don’t get money from home.”

“Yeah, me either,” Jay said, surprising Carlos again. He’d figured that Jay was a golden boy at home as well as on the field. It seemed like he didn’t know him at all. Jay turned on the TV then, and put ESPN on. “I think a tennis match is coming on. I love watching it even though I don’t play.”

“It’s not bad,” Carlos agreed. He didn’t mind tennis at all. He’d never been bullied by a tennis player. They watched until the pizza showed up. Jay put it on the coffee table, and then got both of them beers. “Thanks.” One would be okay. “Thanks for this, again.”

“You saved my ass, you deserve it,” Jay said. “Hey,” he said. “I don’t know a lot about you. What do you like to do?”

“Not much,” Carlos said. “I pretty much keep to myself. I like to dance, though. I’ve always been good at it. Other than that, I read, mess around with computers. I built the one I have now. What about you?”

“Sports, mostly. I sing and play guitar. I started teaching myself in high school. Just to see if I could, really. I’m doing okay, I think. I’m really busy with school and football, though.” 

“That’s good, that you do music,” Carlos said. He ate some of his pizza. “I have a question.” Jay looked over, one eyebrow raised. “Why did you major in psychology?” 

“Oh,” Jay said, and laughed. “I guess I just wanted to know why people do the things they do,” he said. “I really love my classes, I think it’s a good fit for me. But I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it. I don’t know if I can afford to get a degree in counseling or whatever.” 

“You can try to get more scholarships,” Carlos said. ‘Unless you’re going to try for the pros.” 

“I’m not quite good enough for that,” Jay said. “I’m not hating myself, I just have to be realistic. And-hey. How did you know I was taking psychology?” 

“Uh...” Carlos had fucked up. “Well, I might have looked your yearbook listing online.” 

“Really?” Jay laughed. “When did you do that, after you started tutoring me?”

Carlos thought that now would be a great time to lie. Instead, he powered through. “I looked you up after I saw you model the first time. Like I said, you were pretty memorable.” Jay stopped laughing, and just looked at him. “What? I’m sorry if that’s weird.”

“No, it’s good. So, you liked me?” Jay had a soft, seductive smile on his face, and he moved closer. Carlos swallowed. He wasn’t sure what to do now. 

“Yeah. And then, you know, that thing at the club.” Jay moved back then, looking horrified. “I mean, no, it’s okay. I’m over it. But it did turn me off for a while there.” He watched as Jay slowly relaxed. “But we’re friends now.” 

Jay nodded. “I wish I’d never done that,” he said. “But you were so hot. You were dancing like you didn’t have a care in the world. So...wow. We’re both attracted to each other, huh?” Jay looked back at him, with hope and something else. Carlos licked his lips. 

Jay took that as an invitation, and then they were kissing. Carlos closed his eyes as Jay pulled him in closer. Carlos felt Jay’s strong back through his shirt and pushed his fear down. He was fine, Jay wouldn’t hurt him. He was pretty sure of that.

“Hey, you okay?” Jay had stopped kissing him. “You seem nervous.” Carlos took a deep breath and nodded. “Do you want to stop?”

Carlos grinned in relief. That was what he needed to hear. “Let’s slow down,” he said, and he leaned back on the couch, holding an arm out for Jay. They wound up cuddled up, and Carlos thought about what he wanted to do now. He decided he would stay for a while. “Thanks,” he said.

“I don’t want to push you,” Jay said. “Just let me know, if you want to do anything.” 

“I admit, I want to do a lot of things,” Carlos said, and that surprised a laugh out of Jay. “But I don’t know if I should do them all at once.” Carlos leaned in and gave Jay a short kiss. Jay ran his fingers through Carlos’s short curls. 

Carlos came in closer, and they kissed more, Carlos not tensing when Jay slid his hands under Carlos’s shirt. “Want me to take that off?” Jay nodded.

“Yeah. Should I?” 

“Oh no, a hot man with his shirt off,” Carlos said with a grin. “Yes please.” Jay laughed and pulled it over his head. Carlos moved his hands over Jay’s chest. Jay stayed still and let Carlos brush his hands over him. “You look so amazing.” 

“So do you,” Jay could see the way Jay was watching him, like he was about to eat him alive. “What do you want? Just tell me.” 

“Can we move this to your room?” The couch was pretty wide, but it would be more comfortable. Jay looked nervous. “Hey, I won’t care if it’s a mess.” Jay got up, and Carlos followed him back to his room. 

It was pretty junky, Carlos thought, but the bed was made and didn’t have any clothes on it. Jay closed the door behind them and went in for another kiss. Carlos started playing with his nipples, which made Jay laugh breathlessly. “Oh shit, do that more.” 

“Like that?” Carlos grinned, feeling wicked, then he leaned down and sucked one into his mouth. Jay grabbed the back of his head to keep his mouth there, and Carlos felt a thrill from it. This was already so much fun.

“Okay, okay,” Jay said, letting go. He started pulling his clothes off, and Carlos did the same, then crawled on the bed. “Oh God, fuck, look at you.” Carlos sat up, watching Jay as he moved next to him. “I don’t know where to start.” 

“Let’s touch and kiss first. We can work out the rest as we go.” Jay immediately kissing him, and Carlos opened to it, running his hands down Jay’s stomach to his cock. Jay made a noise into his mouth, and then Carlos got flipped on his back. Carlos also got a lot of hair in his face, but he didn’t care. Then Jay started moving down Carlos’s body, and he closed his eyes. 

When they were done, Jay cuddled Carlos for a minute. “Was I okay?”

“Yeah, you were.” Jay had been a little sloppy, but he was enthusiastic, and that counted for a lot. “You were great actually.” Jay smiled, lighting up, and Carlos felt happier than he had in a while. This was good, they could do this again. It would be nice to have a friend like that.

Jay got up. “I’ll clean us up,” he said, and went to the bathroom. Carlos laid back, hearing Jay turn on the water. He looked around the mess in the room. There were sweatpants, several pairs of stupid-looking flip fops, jerseys...a bra.

 _Holy fuck._ Carlos’s mood crashed just like that. He scrambled out of the bed and grabbed it. When Jay came into the room, Carlos met him. “What the hell is this?” 

Jay went white. “I can explain that, she’s just a friend...”

“Bullshit!” Jay took a step back. “You have a girlfriend! Girls don’t leave their bras behind if they’re not dating someone! Even I know that!” Carlos felt so much fury that he started shaking. “You son of a bitch, how could you?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you would get this mad, I mean, we’re friends so I thought...”

“You thought what? That it didn’t count?” Carlos threw the bra at him. “I might be a lot of things, but I’m not a cheater.” He went looking for his clothes, stumbling over the mess. “Delete my number, I don’t want to talk to you again. This is the second time you’ve fucked me over.” 

“Carlos, please, I’m sorry. Don’t, I don’t have anyone else to talk to...” Carlos didn’t listen as he found his clothes. Jay kept pleading, but Carlos just got his pants and shoes on, then went to the living room for his shirt and phone. Jay followed him, still talking.

“You could’ve told me beforehand,” Carlos said as he stood in front of the door. “Because now I’ve had unprotected sex with a man who cheats on his girlfriend.” Carlos could see tears in Jay’s eyes. “I wouldn’t have fucked you if I knew about her, but you should’ve told me. Or used a damn condom.” Carlos took a breath. “I’m calling Evie. And I don’t trust you, so just leave me alone.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jay said again. 

“I know you are, but it doesn’t change anything. Bye.” Carlos left, going down the stairs to the parking lot while texting Evie. It was cold, and he stood there shivering until she got there. 

“Carlos, ew! You smell like sex, what is wrong with you? Did you do him? About time-Carlos?” 

“Just drive,” Carlos said, as he pulled his t-shirt up to cover his tears. Why was he crying? He needed to get out of here. Jay was a parasite. He would ruin his life if he kept hanging around him. 

But he missed him all the same.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos has no reason to talk to Jay. But he does anyway.

Carlos told Evie everything in the car. When they got home, he took a shower while Evie methodically blocked Jay on all her social media and phone. “I can’t believe he did that. I really thought he might be good for you. I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Carlos said, wiping his eyes. He’d put on his robe and sleep pants. “I thought I’d found a friend.” He took a deep breath. “Why can’t I find anyone?” 

“I don’t know. We knew he wasn’t out, but I didn’t think he’d do that.” Evie sat next to him and pulled him into a hug. “Let me make you something, some hot chocolate. Maybe it will help you sleep.”

“I think I’ll just go to bed,” Carlos said. “I’ll have to go to the clinic to get tested.” What they’d done wasn’t all that high risk, but he still needed to. 

“If I see him when I’m driving, I’m hitting him with my car,” Evie said, and that made Carlos laugh. “See, it’ll be okay. Just move on. He’s not someone you need in your life.” Carlos nodded, but he wasn’t sure he could let it go that easily. He just kissed Evie’s cheek and then went to bed. 

He tried not to think about Jay, but it was impossible. 

The next day was his art class, just his luck. He went to the class and shut his brain off when Jay came in the door. Jay took his robe off, and looked toward Carlos. Carlos put his eyes on his drawing, and when he looked back up, Jay was facing away from him. 

He hated every minute of sketching Jay’s body. He shaded the thighs and though about how they felt under his tongue, how Jay giggled at all the time he spent on them. He blinked his eyes against tears and kept drawing. 

When it was finally over, he grabbed his drawing and stomped toward the door. He caught a glimpse of Jay openly staring at him again, but he didn’t stick around to see more. 

For a week, Carlos wandered in a daze. He did fine in his classes, but he felt like he was set adrift. How was he so attached? Jay was a cheater, an asshole. He needed to meet more people. He thought about going back to the Gay Center but he might run into Josh. He didn’t want to have that conversation. 

He had blocked Jay on his phone, and from social media. He should have known that Jay would find him. 

“The fuck are you doing here,” he said when he opened the door. “Go.” 

“Just let me talk,” Jay said. “I just want to explain.” Carlos blocked the door. “Carlos, I’m sorry.” 

“You’re stalking me,” Carlos said. “I told you to just leave it. Why can’t you?” 

“I think about you all the time,” Jay said. “Please.” 

Carlos locked eyes with Jay. He looked like he was at the end of his rope, like he hadn’t slept. He stepped aside, and Jay came in. “Five minutes.” Jay paced the floor, and Carlos locked the door, standing in front of it. “Go on.”

“I broke up with Audrey,” he said. Carlos scoffed. “I did!”

“Prove it.” Jay got his phone out, and showed him a text conversation. There was a lot of capslock and threats on the girl’s side. “Oh that’s classy, you didn’t even break up with her in person?” Carlos started shaking with anger. “You are the worst person I’ve ever slept with, you just keep making things worse.”

“You said you’d let me talk,” Jay said. “I broke up with her by text because if I tried it in person, she’d just talk me into bed. She’s very manipulative. Now she’s trashing me all over Facebook and I knew she would. I just have to deal with it.”

“Did you tell her you were queer?” Jay shook his head. “Because you knew she’d blab?” 

“Yeah. I just-I want to do it myself, I am doing it myself. I told Ben, he’s moving in next week-”

“Oh, by the way,” Carlos cut him off. “I got my STD results back and I’m clean, thanks for asking.” Jay stared, stunned into silence. “You didn’t think to ask, and I’m sure you didn’t get tested yourself. You’re so selfish! You don’t even see how selfish you are!” Now Carlos was yelling, getting in his face. 

“You think I’m selfish? I have to be! Nobody’s looking out for me! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Jay was right in front of him, face red, and Carlos only had a split second of warning before Jay grabbed him, kissing him. 

Carlos kissed back, rough, and Jay grabbed his curls, pulling his hair back and sucking on his neck. Carlos gave as good as he got, getting his hands under Jay’s shirt and scratching down his back. Jay hissed, and then he picked Carlos up. Carlos wrapped his legs around Jay’s waist as Jay carried him to the couch. His back hit the couch, and he didn’t let himself think about what a bad idea this was.

The ground on each other on the couch, kissing and biting. Carlos got his jeans unzipped, and Jay put his hand inside. When he came, he did the same to Jay. Then it was over, and they stared at each other. Carlos had no idea what to do, and Jay didn’t seem to either. Then Jay seemed to collect himself.

“I’m sorr-” Carlos cut Jay off by shaking his head.

“You don’t need to apologize, that was both of us.” Jay moved off him, and Carlos sat up. “Come on, bathroom’s in here.” He led Jay back to it, touching his arm. They cleaned up in silence. When they were done, Jay stared at him. 

After a minute, Carlos said “Let me get my phone.” He handed it to Jay. “You might as well put your number back in,” he said. “It’s clear we’re not going to be able to stay away from each other.” Jay looked surprised, and a little hurt, but he did it. “You still got mine?”

“Yeah,” Jay said. “Are you okay?” 

“I don’t know. Are you?” Jay hesitated, then nodded. “Um, I have to get ready for work now.” The last thing he wanted to do was work the register at a fast food place. He just wanted to hide in his room for the rest of the night. “You can text me, but I won’t be available for a few hours.”

“Can I kiss you?” Carlos thought about it, and shook his head. 

“Not now. I have to think about this for a while.” Jay nodded, and looked like he was going to come in for a hug, but then thought better of it and dropped his arms. “Hey,” Carlos said before Jay went out the door. “I get it. Nobody took care of me either.” 

“Oh.” Jay raised his eyebrows, surprised. “Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Carlos said. “Okay. See you.” 

“Bye.” Jay left. Carlos locked the door, then went to get his uniform on. He borrowed some of Evie’s concealer to try to hide the hickies, but it was a lost cause. He was going to get teased today for sure. He left for work and ignored everything his co-workers said for six hours.

When he got home, he didn’t know what to say to Evie. He had to tell her, she’d kill him if he lied. He wound up texting her from his room when she was watching TV.

That got him an immediate knock on his door and “Are you out of your mind?!” So honestly, not as bad as he expected. “Carlos, open this door right now!”

“No, I’m naked.” Okay, that wasn’t true. “I can’t justify it. But I think we’re obsessed with each other.” 

“No kidding! Carlos, this can’t be good for you! He’s just going to hurt you again!” She banged on the door, out of frustration. “I don’t know what to do with you. I love you so much, you’re like my brother. But you make some bad decisions sometimes.”

“Well. He broke up with her. There’s that.” Carlos sighed. “I don’t know what to do. So I’m going to ride this out until we get sick of each other. I guess that’s the only thing that will work.” Carlos was already thinking of him, wanting to check any messages he left. 

“What if you fall in love with him?” 

Carlos didn’t say anything for a long time. “That won’t happen,” he said. He hoped that was the truth. As he said it, he checked his phone for any texts from Jay. There were three. They basically boiled down to _I hope you’re okay_. 

Why did he have to be kind? This would be a lot easier if he wasn’t. “I’m going to bed now,” he aid if Evie was still at his door. He didn’t hear an answer, so she had probably left. 

Carlos did go to bed, but he had his phone with him. He texted Jay back once with a terse _I’m fine_. Then he slept, holding his phone.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos says they're not dating.

The next time he saw Jay was a few days later. He got a text to meet him at the cafe on campus that took meal cards. Carlos had no idea why-they had never met up outside Jay’s apartment, except to tutor. But he showed up.

Jay was sitting alone with a textbook. He didn’t look up until Carlos stood over him for a minute. “Oh. Hi.” Jay moved his books over. “Do you want to get anything to eat?” 

Carlos had food at his fast food job, a breakfast biscuit. It was probably time to eat again. He’d closed the night before and then opened, so he’d been too tired to eat dinner. “Yeah, let me get something.” He lived off campus, so his meal card was almost used up. He’d have to get something cheap.

“I can pay for you, if you want. I’ve got some guest meal passes left.”

Carlos grinned at that-it was so goofy. “Yeah, but I’m not exactly a guest. It’s okay, I’ve got a little bit left. Thanks though.” Then he left before Jay could talk him into it. Carlos wondered what Jay was up to. He’d been very apologetic in texts, so he might still be trying to make it up to Carlos. Whatever. He’d have to work harder to make up cheating. 

Not that it was keeping him away from Jay, all the same.

He wound up getting a bowl of chicken-rice soup and some bread. It would be a nice change after fast food. He came back to the table that Jay had gotten near the window, away from the other tables. “Okay,” he said. “Why did you want to see me?”

“I just wanted to see how you were,” Jay had a gyro, and he nibbled at it. “I know you have every right to be pissed at me.” 

Carlos sipped the water he’d gotten. “You should have told me. You know that. I don’t even know if I’ve forgiven you. But fuck. I’m still here.” 

“Yeah,” Jay said. “I’m glad you’re he-”

“This isn’t a date, by the way,” Carlos said, and Jay gaped at him in shock. “We’re not dating, I don’t even know if we’re friends. And I know you need one, but maybe it shouldn’t be me.” Jay looked down at his sandwich and didn’t say anything. “I’m sorry. But I don’t think I’m that good for you. And you’re probably not good for me either.” Carlos finished his soup as Jay sat there. “Maybe I should go.” 

“You’re still better than everyone else in my life.” Jay said so softly Carlos almost didn’t catch it. “I guess I’m pathetic.” 

“No,” Carlos said. “Not pathetic. But maybe I can’t give you what you’re looking for.” Carlos looked at him. Jay was still looking down. “Hey. I didn’t mean to upset you. I should’ve thought that through.” 

“You don’t want to date me, I guess that’s fair.” Jay took a deep breath. “So what are we, to each other? What do we get out of this?”

“Well.” Carlos looked around. Nobody was nearby. “I’m getting sex, mainly. You’re getting that, and I talk to you about coming out. So we both benefit.” 

“How isn’t that friendship?” Carlos had to look at Jay for that one. Didn’t he know? Were all his friends shitty?

“Well, I did consider you a friend until I found out about your girlfriend.” Jay winced. “So, maybe it isn’t hopeless. If I can forget about that, eventually.” He finished his water and pushed his tray away. “I don’t have to do anything until four, I have a class.” 

“I have practice at five,” Jay said. “Other than that, I’m free.”

Carlos waited maybe ten seconds for Jay to say it. 

“Wanna go to my place?” 

Carlos grinned.

Later, they were in Jay’s bed, naked. Jay was embracing him, sweaty hair in Carlos’s face. Carlos pushed some of it back, and Jay kissed his neck. 

“Okay, okay. I have to get up now.” Jay made a disagreeing noise. “No really, I have to clean up and walk across campus. Time to let go.” 

Jay rolled off of him, big silly grin on his face. “Fuck, never had sex like this before. I just want to keep you here all the time.” 

Carlos laughed. “You’d get sick of me. I have no idea how Evie puts up with my negativity.” Carlos got up and grabbed his clothes. He opened the bedroom door and then closed it quick. “Shit. When did your roommate get in?” 

“Oh fuck.” Jay sat up. “He probably heard us. Embarrassing.” Carlos remembered what he had said about his roommate. He knew Jay was gay. It was probably all right. But now this guy was in the bathroom, and Carlos needed it. He dressed quickly and got his shoes on.

“You’re just going to leave?” Jay sat up in bed. He was still naked and looked amazing. Carlos was never going to get used to Jay’s body. But he didn’t show it, just shrugging. 

“I’ll stop by my place and clean up, it’s on the way. Bye.” He opened the bedroom door just as the bathroom door opened. Then he was a few feet from a cute guy with brown hair and soft blue eyes. “Oh. Um, hi. Can I use that bathroom now?”

The guy-Ben-looked completely flabbergasted, but kept his composure. “Oh. Sure. Sorry to keep you waiting.” Then he got out of the way and Carlos slipped in, shutting the door behind him. There was a minute’s silence, then the sound of Jay’s door opening. Carlos could hear Ben talking.

“How do you already have a boyfriend? You didn’t tell me.” Carlos kept listening, wondering what Jay would say to that.

“I didn’t say anything because I don’t know what to call it really. He says he’s not dating me. So I guess we’re friends with benefits or something. I’m not even sure if we’re friends. It’s complicated, I guess.” Carlos could hear some wistfulness in Jay’s voice. That was unfortunate. 

“You didn’t waste any time,” Ben said. “Does Audrey know?”

“No, and please don’t tell her. She’s already really mad at me for leaving her. If she knew I was gay it would be worse. And I don’t want Carlos to have to deal with her. You know she’s the kind of person to track him down and try to make his life a living hell.”

Carlos widened his eyes at that. That was something he didn’t know. Jay should have told him. But he just cleaned up, and opened the door. Jay was wearing tiny shorts and nothing else. “Okay, gotta go to class. Text me later.” Carlos grabbed his backpack that was by Jay’s door. Jay didn’t try to hug him or touch him at all. Maybe he could tell that Carlos needed to get out of there.

“Okay, I will.” Jay have him a half-hearted smile. Carlos decided not to comment, and headed out the door. 

When his class was done, he went home and took a hot bath. He had to work tomorrow, so he treated himself a little bit, with one of Evie’s bath bombs. He always needed some time alone after being with Jay. Jay’s neediness and problems were understandable, but exhausting. 

Problem was, the sex was great and Jay was beautiful. Wasn’t that always the case with him-wanting the guys he couldn’t, or shouldn’t, have. 

Carlos got out of the tub, drying off and getting ready for bed. He knew Evie was shut in her room, doing her makeup tutorial You Tube channel. She made a fair amount of money off that. Too bad a lot of it was spent on new makeup products for the channel. Oh well, that was the price of business, he figured. 

When he went to bed, he checked his messages. There were two from a student he was working a group project with. There were three from Jay. See, needy. But Carlos couldn’t bring himself to care. His life was more interesting, at least. He texted Jay back, then told him he was going to bed. He’d see Jay later.

He didn’t see Jay in person for a week, thinking that would make him feel more in control. But when he did get back with him, they wound up in bed together. Of course. Not only that, but it was fun, light-hearted. Jay seemed to have really missed him, and he played with Carlos’s body until he thought he’d see stars.

When they were done, Jay was over him, nuzzling and kissing his neck. They had already come, but Jay wasn’t done, it seemed. “You like my neck a lot, don’t you?”

“It’s perfect,” Jay said. “And you can’t say anything. I’ve never had anyone worship my thighs before.” 

“It’s fun,” Carlos said, grinning. He couldn’t help himself, he’d spend as much time on Jay’s thighs as Jay would let him. “Can I ask something?” 

“Okay.” Jay seemed to get a little more serious. 

“Don’t worry. I just wanted to know-I’m the first guy you’ve been with, right?”

“Yeah,” Jay said. “Can you tell? I mean, am I bad?” 

“You’re really not.” Jay had rolled off of them, and they were on their sides, facing each other. Jay was flushed and looked beautiful. “I know you haven’t fucked me yet, but I’m sure it won’t be a problem. But I wanted to know-you’re not bi, are you?” Jay shook his head. “And I know you’ve been with girls. What’s it like, to sleep with them if it’s not what you want?” 

Jay’s smile faded. “It’s like...you go out to eat, and you ask for a Coke but they give you Diet Coke instead. Or the only candy available is sugar free candy. It looks like what you want to everyone else, but it doesn’t hit the spot.” Jay rolled on his back. “For years I thought it was me, and if I was better in bed it would fix everything. Instead my girlfriends were happy but I wasn’t.” 

“I’m sorry,” Carlos said. Jay shrugged. No wonder Jay tried so hard to be a great fuck. “I could never do that. I’ve only been with guys.” Carlos reached for Jay, taking the hand he had resting on his chest. “You can ask me something, since I made you confess that.” 

“How many men have you been with?” Carlos thought for a minute. 

“You’re the eighth,” he said. Jay frowned, and Carlos remembered that he was a year younger than Jay. It probably sounded like a lot.“I started too young. I was just sixteen, I would’ve waited a couple of years if I could do it over.” He slid closer to Jay, and then they were cuddling. Carlos knew they shouldn’t be doing this-confessing secrets and holding each other. He needed to get out of there. Now.

Instead he stayed, letting Jay hold him, and he realized something: He forgave Jay. He forgave him for cheating on his girlfriend with him. Knowing what Jay had told him made a difference. He understood Jay more. 

But he still didn’t want to say so, not yet. Jay would think he could get away with anything if he told him too soon. He would have to wait. 

Instead, he kissed Jay once, then pulled back. “I hope Ben isn’t here, so we can clean up,” he said. Jay laughed. “Um, I don’t work tomorrow, and I don’t have class until late.” 

Jay raised an eyebrow, still smiling. “Oh really? Do you want to stay a while longer? Or for the night?”

“Maybe not the night,” Carlos said. Evie was still upset at Carlos for starting up with Jay again. She wouldn’t like it if he stayed over. “But maybe we can hang out. Watch some TV or something.”

“You know, okay,” Jay said. “Let me clean us up, we’re gross.” Then he put on his underwear and headed for the bathroom. 

When Ben got in later, he found the two of them watching the Cartoon Network, eating popcorn on the couch. To his credit, he just went to his room after saying hi and didn’t ask any questions. 

Carlos left soon after. He just put on his shoes and took a hug from Jay. Jay had been pretty touchy, and he didn’t really mind. “Goodnight. Bye Ben,” he said as Ben came back to the living room. He stood outside the door after he left, texting Evie. 

Before he went down to the parking lot, he could hear Ben say “You say he’s not your boyfriend, but sometimes it seems like it.” 

Carlos left then. He didn’t want to hear Jay’s answer.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos keeps pushing people away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry ya'll. I've been dealing with health issues (non-covid), and been taking a while to update. But I've got some for this and my other WIPS as well. Thank you.

The pattern continued for a while. Carlos and Jay wold do their own thing for most of the time, but meet up once or twice a week. They would fuck, then maybe hang out at Jay’s afterwards. It was nice. 

“Don’t bring him here,” Evie warned as she glued on red fake nails that ended in a sharp point. “Or I’ll claw out his eyes with these.” She curled up one hand menacingly to make her point.

“You know, I’m not really a victim here,” Carlos said, sitting next to her. “We’re both fucked up and we can both hurt each other. The way things are going, we’re talking more so maybe we can avoid it.” 

“Maybe so.” Evie looked at her nails, brow furrowed. “But you said he was clingy. He’s getting attached, yeah?”

Carlos didn’t say anything. He’d seen the way Jay looked at him, so he knew it was true. He nodded, not looking at Evie.

“What about you?” 

Carlos stood up. “I think I’m done talking about this,” he said, and Evie’s eyes widened. “I just don’t know what to say about it.” He walked towards his room, and looked back. “I don’t know. At this point, I can’t stop it. I just hope it doesn’t end too badly.” He went to his room.

Carlos had a busy few days. Work, classes, time with Evie to reassure her he wasn’t _that_ obsessed with Jay. He and Jay kept in touch, of course, but it was a while before Carlos came to Jay’s place. 

“Hey!” Jay gave him a hug when he came in. “Ben’s at his girlfriends. I have dinner for us.” Carlos looked over and to his surprise, it was home-cooked. There were two plates of grilled chicken breast and angel hair pasta with veggies. 

“You cooked?” Carlos looked at the meal. It looked delicious. “Why?” 

“I can cook,” Jay said. “I just don’t have time usually. And why-well. I wanted to ask you something.” 

Carlos felt a crash of anxiety in his stomach. Was Jay going to confess something? Carlos wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it. He wasn’t even sure what he would do if Jay said he loved him, or anything close to that. But he looked over at Jay, and nodded. 

“Well, two things. I wanted to let you know-a friend is going to visit me, this week. And she wants to meet you.” Carlos didn’t say anything, but he almost forgot to breathe. “I don’t want you to be angry or hurt if you see her. We never dated. She’s just a friend. And we hadn’t talked in a long time because we had a stupid fight but now things are okay-”

“It’s fine,” Carlos said. He took a deep breath. Jay wasn’t telling him he’d given up on being gay and had gotten a new girlfriend. He felt better now that Jay wanted to reassure him. “I’m glad you told me. I didn’t think you had any friends that weren’t from school” 

“We met when we were about fourteen. We were foster kids together.” Carlos felt his mouth drop open-Jay had never said anything that direct about his upbringing, ever. “We stayed in touch, even after we both got sent back to our parents. Sometimes we fight, swear we’ll never talk again. But we always come back.”

“Wow.” Carlos didn’t know what to say. “Well, I’m flattered, I guess. If you want me to meet her.” Carlos wanted to ask if Jay had told his friend that they were dating. He guessed he’d find out. He didn’t like to give Jay a hard time about it anymore. 

“Thanks,” Jay said. He had tensed up telling Carlos this, but he started to relax, his shoulders moving back, his hands not tense in his lap. “She’s like family.” 

“Well,” Carlos said. “I don’t have much in the way of family myself. So I guess I understand.” Jay looked him in the eye for a moment and then nodded. “I don’t like to talk about it. But, you told me something, so I guess I’ll do the same.” He hadn’t said much, but it was a start.

“It’s fair, yeah.” Jay came closer, putting his arm around Carlos. They kissed for a minute. Then Jay pulled back. “Our food’s getting cold,” he said. 

“Yeah. But you said you had something else to tell me.” Carlos watched as Jay’s cheeks went pink. “What? It can’t be that bad.” 

“Well, it’s been a while and I was wondering. Can we fuck?” Jay blushed even harder. 

“You want to fuck me, is what you’re saying?” Carlos grinned at him. “I can’t believe you’re so embarrassed. You can ask me, you know that.” Carlos got up. “Two things. I have to clean up. Maybe next time let me know before I come over. And let’s put these plates up. Better to do this on an empty stomach.” 

“Oh. Okay.” Jay got up, still looking surprised that Carlos had said yes. “I’ll put these up, you go...get ready.” Jay fumbled with the plates while Carlos went to the bathroom. 

It took a while, but Carlos got back as soon as he could. Jay was on the bed, naked, reading a book. “You’re still into this, I hope.” Jay looked up and put the book on the nightstand. Carlos looked Jay over. He was about half hard-wouldn’t take long for both of them to be ready. 

“I am, trust me,” Jay said, sitting up in bed. “What’s the best way for us to do this?”

“Well, I’m the one with most of the experience. So maybe I can ride you. That way I can guide you, and you won’t have to worry about thrusting too hard or anything.” Jay nodded, watching Carlos like he wanted to eat him. 

“You have lube and condoms, right?” Jay reached into his nightstand and got them. “Okay.” Carlos leaned in for a kiss. Jay kissed back eagerly. “This is going to be fun.” 

When they were done, Carlos wound up splayed on the bed while Jay got a washcloth. Carlos tried to tick off his feelings. Happy, nervous, vulnerable, wanting to run out the door. So, nothing he wouldn’t expect. 

Jay came back then, and he was beaming. He cleaned Carlos up, and then curled in with him, kissing his neck. “Spend the night,” he said. “Just let Evie know. And then you can sleep here.” He had that soft look again. Carlos didn’t argue, but he didn’t move either. “You all right?”

“I am,” Carlos said. “Just makes me feel kind of vulnerable, that’s all.” 

“What, sex?”

“Yeah, it can,” Carlos said. “And I need to get my phone if I’m staying over. It’s in the living room.” Carlos sat up. “I’m glad we did this. You know, it works out for you, to get some experience before you start dating.” 

Jay stared at him. Then he moved away from Carlos, fast, until he was teetering on the edge of the bed. “You...” Jay’s face was red. “You always have to put me in my place, don’t you?” 

“I didn’t mean to-I’m sorry,” Carlos said. Oh boy, he fucked up. 

“No,” Jay said. “I haven’t said anything before now. But you keep doing this shit. You let me get closer and closer, and then you shut the door on me. You make sure I know that you aren’t dating me, you don’t forgive me, and I’m not anything to you. Why do you have to keep rubbing it in?” 

“I’m sorry,” Carlos said again. “I do forgive you, but I didn’t say anything. I figured if you knew, you’d hurt me again. Please. I want to stay over.” But Jay was getting up and finding Carlos’s clothes, tossing them at him. 

“Not tonight,” Jay said. “And I don’t know if I believe you. Although with how cold you are, it might be true.” Carlos tried not to react to that, but it made his insides twist. “You don’t let anyone in, do you? You just bottle everything up. And I understand that. But I don’t have to put up with it.” 

“It’s true, I forgave you. But you’re right about me. I push people away, if I get to know them at all.” Carlos was holding his clothes, staring at Jay. “But, you aren’t nothing to me.” Carlos closed his eyes. What a terrible way to try to talk about his feelings. Jay didn’t seem to buy it. “I’m sorry. I don’t even mean to push you away. But I better go.” 

He put his clothes on, and looked at Jay. Jay was sitting on the bed, not looking at him. “I shouldn’t have ruined this,” he said. “I had a really good time.” Jay kept looking away. “Are you going to stop seeing me?”

“I’m not going to call for a few days,” Jay said. “You’re right, we can’t really stay away. But I need a break.” 

“Okay,” Carlos whispered. He put his shoes on and then got his phone off the coffee table. It was too late to call Evie, so he walked home.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay and Carlos try to talk about their feelings.

Carlos respected Jay’s wishes and didn’t try to call him. It was difficult, and he figured this was what Jay must have felt like when Carlos would purposefully wait to get in touch. Every thing he had done to protect himself was now hurting him. He deserved it. 

It was after a long night of studying in the library that he found Jay at his front door, waiting for him. Carlos didn’t say anything, he just opened the door. Evie was home and taking off her makeup after filming. She just grabbed some wet wipes and left the apartment. 

“She still mad at me?” Jay was standing close to him, but not touching. 

“Right now she’s madder at me,” Carlos said. “I tell her everything.” Carlos looked over at him. “So. What can I do?”

“Just-you have good reasons to pull back from me, we know that, but there’s a lot I don’t know about you. And the same with me, so that’s probably why we keep fucking each other over.” Jay looked nervous. “And-I love you.” 

Carlos nodded. He knew it, but it still hurt to hear.“I thought you did. I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t think you really know me well enough for that.” 

“Because you never talk to me!” Jay was close, looming over him, and Carlos took a step back. “You don’t want to know me either-you only compliment me on my looks. You basically just use me for sex, and I don’t-it’s getting hard. To deal with.” 

“I haven’t just complimented your looks. I told you that you were smart. I meant that.” Carlos said. “I’ve been really shitty to you, it’s true. I didn’t want to get hurt.” Carlos moved a little closer. “I’ve missed you.” 

“Yeah. Missed you too.” Jay was still closed off, glaring at him. “Mal came and left. I told her what happened. She wanted to come here and kick your ass.” 

Carlos laughed. “Honestly, I would’ve let her have the first punch.” He got serious again, looking at Jay. “I don’t like hurting you. I keep doing it, but I want to stop.” 

“So. We need to be honest with each other.” Jay sat down on their couch. “All I know about your life is Evie is your friend and you were bullied pretty bad. And all you know about mine is I was in foster care. Was your home life shitty too?”

Carlos sat next to him. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m glad I have so many freckles. Makes the scars less noticeable.” 

“Thought I saw a few, on your back,” Jay whispered. Carlos closed his eyes. He hated them so much. Jay lightly touched his knee.

“My dad was smart. He never left marks. Until one time. That’s how a report got called. I wound up spending six months in a group home and then got sent back to him. At least I met Mal.” 

“Did he get better when you got home?” Jay didn’t answer at first. “Jay?”

“He got smarter,” Jay said, looking ahead. “Never hit me again. Shoved me round a little, but didn’t hit. Mostly after that he just talked me down, told me how worthless I was. I got into sports so I wouldn’t have to go home.” 

“I stayed in the computer lab. And the library. Evie’s house. Anywhere I could.” Carlos watched Jay for a while. “My mom never fixed food for me, only for herself. I would wait until she was asleep and fix leftovers.” 

“Dad had me cook for him. That’s how I learned.” Jay looked over at him. Carlos could see he was trying to hold emotions back. “So both of us have awful parents.” 

“Pretty sure that’s why I’m like this,” Carlos said. “I learned early on not to show too much emotion.” Carlos turned to Jay, trying to lean his head on Jay’s shoulder. But Jay moved back. “No?”

“Not now,” Jay said. “We’re still talking. If you touch me I’ll lose focus. Is there anything else?”

“Bullying,” Carlos said. “By everyone, it seems. Teachers didn’t stand up for me. I’m pretty sure that’s why my mom didn’t get reported for abuse. Everyone just thought it was from school.” Carlos could think of more, how he tried to find love when he was a teen. But it was too painful to talk about. 

“Do you resent me? Do I remind you of people who bullied you?” 

“I did at first,” Carlos said softly. “Because of the thing at the bar, and later when I found that bra. I felt like you were setting me up. And I think you just want me to get over that because you have, and I’m trying.” Carlos was still watching Jay, his expression and the tight way he held his body. “But, I like you.” He nearly whispered it, and Jay sat up straighter.

“You like me?” Carlos nodded. He felt his eyes prickle. Putting his feelings out like this was terrifying. “Not just how I look?”

“Not just that,” Carlos said, and it felt like his throat would close up. “You’re kind. Generous. You're fun too." Carlos watched Jay’s eyes widen as he glowed from the compliments. 

“Oh. Thanks.” Jay went silent for a minute. “I like how smart you are,” Jay said. “I can see it in your eyes, you’re always thinking everything through.” 

“That’s all I’ve got going for me,” Carlos said. He was emotionally closed off, nobody could get to him. He had years of evidence for that.

“No.” Carlos looked over, surprised. “Even when you didn’t like me, you still thought I needed someone to talk to. You supported me before anyone else did. That means a lot.” Carlos stared at him. “If you hadn’t, I’d still be pretending right now, and dating Audrey. We might be a mess, but it’s better than that.” 

Carlos wanted to say no, he hadn’t done anything. But he knew Jay wouldn’t let him. “It was the right thing,” Carlos said in a whisper. “I couldn’t let you do it alone.” His throat hurt from holding so much in, and he tried to swallow around it. 

“Are you okay?” Jay got up. “Where do you keep the cups, I’ll get you some water.” Carlos pointed toward the top cupboard. Carlos laid back on the couch, glad for the interruption. Jay came back. “Are you all right?”

Carlos moved so he was propped up against the couch arm. “I’m okay,” he said, his voice hoarse. He sipped some of the water. “I told you I’m not good talking about how I feel.” Jay furrowed his brow. Carlos figured it would be hard for anyone to understand. 

“You get so upset you feel sick?” Carlos nodded, feeling like a loser. “Okay. Are you angry at me?” Carlos shook his head. 

“More like, you were being really nice to me and I didn’t know how to handle it,” Carlos said. “I never got much of that.” Carlos took a deep breath, drank the rest of the water, and sat up. “I was telling the truth, by the way. I did forgive you for cheating.”

“When was it?” Jay got up from kneeling on the floor, and sat next to him, close this time. 

“When I asked you about having sex with girls,” Carlos said. His voice was still a little scratchy. “Then it made more sense.” He looked over at Jay, who was nodding softly, eyes on his lap. “Do you believe me now?”

“I can see it. Yeah.” Jay looked back up at him. “I wish you had told me at the time. If we’re going to try to date each other, we shouldn’t have secrets like that. And I know I’m the one who cheated so I’m a lot worse on this. But, I love you. And you said you liked me. I don’t think it’s hopeless.” Jay turned to him, his body language more open. 

Carlos figured that he was inviting Carlos in, so he pulled Jay into his arms. Jay hugged him back, and when Evie came back a few minutes later, she found them cuddled together.

...

The next few weeks were strange. They were dating, or so Jay said. Carlos agreed, it was just a little weird to call it that. He hadn’t dated in a long time. 

Mostly, they did the same things-went to Jay’s and hung out. Jay was still in the process of coming out, and everyone didn’t know. But one night, when they were cuddling in bed, Jay said, “I want to take you out, okay? Do you want to see a movie?” 

“Okay,” Carlos said. Jay had his arms around him, his long hair in Carlos’s face, and he couldn’t think of any reason to say no. Things had been good, really good. He could handle a date. 

Jay picked him up that weekend, and they wound up sitting at the top of the stadium seats, eating popcorn, while watching a lackluster superhero movie. Jay even held his hand during the movie, and Carlos wrapped his hand around Jay’s. He wouldn’t look over, though.

When they left, they were filing out of their seats, when Jay touched Carlos’s arm. “Shit. Audrey’s here, with my friend Chad.” They froze, making the people behind them mad. Carlos scooted them over to stand in an isle until Jay’s ex-girlfriend had gone. 

“Okay,” Jay said, and they slowly headed out. Everyone else had left the theater. “I’m really sorry about that.” 

“I’m fine, but let’s get out of here,” Carlos said. “What do they look like??

“Chad’s blonde, tall, looks preppy. Audrey has brown hair, light brown skin, pretty. You don’t want to mess with her though. She’s just stopped spreading rumors about me. Chad told me that he was thinking of asking her out. He’s always been kind of fixated on her. Not that it’ll do him any good.” 

“She think he’s a dipshit or something?” They were heading down the stairs now, and tucked out of a side exit rather than the main one. They got to the parking lot and headed for Jay’s car. 

“Basically. She likes him because he’s rich. That’s about it. I’m not rich but she liked my body, and I didn’t give her a hard time.” Carlos thought about the things in Jay’s room, the big TV and stuff. 

“Can I ask you something? If you don’t have any money, how do you have all that stuff in your living room?” Jay looked at him like he was nuts, then started the car. “I mean, I don’t have much like that, unless Evie buys it.” Evie wasn’t super well off, but she had some cash from her YouTube career. 

“You thought I paid for all that? It’s secondhand, nearly everything except my phone.” Jay laughed. “I know a lot of people who have money. They replace their shit all the time. I just ask for it, and most of the time they don’t even charge me. They like me, I’m on the team, so really, it’s easy.” 

Carlos nodded, thinking it made sense. Jay was good at using his personality to get what he wanted. “That’s really handy,” he agreed. Carlos thought about it for a minute. “I guess we’re both good at surviving. We just do it in different ways.” 

Jay was driving and didn’t look away from the road, but he nodded. He didn’t say anything though. When they turned towards Jay’s apartment, he finally said. “Sometimes I wish I was more honest. It’s easy for me to just charm my way into things.”

“I don’t think that’s wrong,” Carlos said. “I can barely talk to people.” Jay parked the car and they went upstairs. Ben was in the living room, with a pretty girl with long braids. They were snuggled and watching TV. “Oh. Sorry.” 

Ben looked up, and his girlfriend looked surprised. “Oh. That’s our fault, we left the party early. We can go to my room if you want.” Carlos looked at them, they were both still clothed, so he didn’t seem to have interrupted anything serious. Carlos, this is Uma.” 

“Hey,” he said. Uma stood up and looked him over. Carlos tensed out of instinct.

“Ben didn’t tell me much about who Jay was seeing,” she said. “But you’re cute.” Carlos looked away, embarrassed. “I like how you do your hair.” 

“Thanks,” Carlos said. “I like yours. We can go to my apartment if you’re staying over.” Uma shook her head. “You’re not?”

“Not tonight, but I’ll be seeing Ben tomorrow night. I just have some stuff to do in the morning. Just don’t make too much noise and keep Ben up, he’s got shit to do as well.” Ben squeaked a little, and Jay laughed at him. 

“Um, okay. Good to meet you.” Uma smiled at him then, giving him a little fingerwave. She went back to kiss Ben, and waved at Jay on her way out. Carlos looked back at Jay when she was gone. “I like her.” 

“Yeah, Uma’s a badass,” Jay said. Ben was grinning over at them. “She keeps Ben on his toes.” 

“Very true,” Ben said, with a huge fond grin. “Um, I can go to a friend’s house, if you don’t want me here.” Carlos shrugged, not caring either way. They could be quiet if they needed to. Or anyway, he could.

“It’s okay, we might just sleep. Night Ben.” Jay guided Carlos back to his room. When he closed the door, Jay pulled Carlos in for a kiss. “Hi.”

“Hey. You said we’d just sleep.” Jay grinned, wicked.

“I still want to kiss you.” Carlos tipped his face up, and Jay kissed him again. Carlos opened his mouth to it, letting Jay slip his tongue inside. After a minute, Jay stepped back. “Get into bed with me?” Then Jay started stripping. 

Carlos caught up with him, and they were both in their underwear and in bed soon. “Hey,” Carlos said as Jay spooned him. “What would Audrey do if she found out about us?” 

Jay had been stroking over Carlos’s stomach, but then his hand stilled. “She would harass you,” Jay said. “If she found out I cheated with you. She’d figure out your schedule, maybe come to your job. I hope she never finds out about you, and that she’s over it and won’t fuck with me anymore.” 

“I hope so too.” Carlos put his hand over Jay’s. “But as you keep coming out, she’s going to hear that you’re gay. And you might be in her sights again. And yeah, maybe me too.”

“Yeah. Chad doesn’t know yet. I keep meaning to tell him but he doesn’t have much of an attention span.” Carlos squeezed Jay’s hand. “He’ll probably find out eventually, from other people.” Carlos didn’t say anything. He figured he didn’t have to. 

Jay kissed his shoulder, and Carlos thought about how close they were getting. It scared him, but he didn’t want to stop. 

“Hey,” Jay said. “Are you happy?” 

Carlos had to think about it. “I’m happier than I was,” he said. “I don’t feel so stuck in my own head. I’m still worried about how this could go wrong.” Jay tightened his grip on him. “But things are good for now.”

“Exactly,” Jay said. “Good, for now.” Jay kissed his shoulder again, then turned around to shut off his lamp. Carlos closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time I ever wrote Buma!


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay knows how to get what he wants, and it makes Carlos uneasy.

“Hey,” Jay said one day as they were walking. “I’ve got a new job, can you come with me?” 

“Huh?” It was summer, and while Carlos was taking a couple courses, Jay wasn’t, instead just doing football practice. “You have a job.” He’d started waiting tables in a fancy Thai place. He tied his hair up with sticks and charmed the rich ladies that came in. He did pretty well. 

“I got a photo shoot, someone who heard I modeled at school. I need you to come with me. I don’t know too much about this photographer.” They had been walking down the street, and Carlos stopped and looked at him. 

“Jay, if you do porn you’ll lose your scholarship.”

“It’s not _porn_ ”, Jay said. “I’ll be posing in underwear, but that’s as far as it goes. I just need you to be there. If he starts pressuring me to do more, you can back me up.” Jay seemed tense, holding his body in a stiff way. “It’s a lot of money, and I need some saved for emergencies. Ben’s left for the summer.”

“So, Uma is taking his place as your roommate.” Uma was a townie, didn’t go to the university, and tended to have a loose housing situation. Carlos liked having her around, they were getting to be good friends. 

“Yeah, but...it might be a good thing for me. I told you I’ll never go pro. I have to take what comes my way.” 

“You take a lot of risks, sometimes.” Carlos said this quietly. He didn’t like to take risks at all. Amazing how two people could have entirely different ways of coping with shitty lives. “Okay. Are we headed that way now?” 

“It’s tomorrow. I’ll have to drive. I can’t go in sweaty.” Their walks were part of Jay’s exercise routine. Carlos needed to get in better shape, and Evie nagged him about staying inside too much. They were slowly spending more time together outside of Jay’s place. Jay seemed to care less who saw them together. And Carlos was liking being with Jay more and more. 

“Okay. I’ll go with you. I’m not doing anything.” He had no classes that day, and his hours had been cut at work. He needed a new job. 

“Thanks for doing this for me.” They were silent for the rest of the walk. 

The next day, Jay texted him mid-morning, and Carlos grabbed a coffee and a bagel to wait on Jay. He was there five minutes later, and he was silent on the way over. 

“You know,” Carlos said. “If you’re this nervous, maybe this is a bad idea.” 

“No, it’ll be okay,” Jay said. “I’m glad you’ll be with me.” Carlos wondered what Jay was scared of. 

“Wait,” he said. “Do you think he’ll try something?” 

“Maybe. I’ve talked to other models and they haven’t said anything. But I can’t be sure. Just come in with me and give him that look you do.”

“What look?” Carlos didn’t know what he was talking about. 

“That look you have. Where you look like you could skin someone if they looked at you funny.” Carlos was stunned for a minute. Then he started laughing. Jay joined in, and they were still laughing when they pulled up to a house in the rich area nearby. 

“Nice place,” Carlos said. He took a deep breath. “Okay. One bitchface, coming up.” Jay giggled, and they got out. 

The photographer was an older man, about forty-five, with gray temples and a nice body. He looked between Jay and Carlos, and looked annoyed. “I’m only shooting you today, handsome,” he said. Carlos gritted his teeth. 

Jay laughed and put an arm around Carlos. “I know, but my boyfriend came with me, he’s got a doctor’s appointment after this. Where do I go to change?” The photographer sighed and pointed to a room to the side. 

“Everything’s there, do you have any bronzer or other makeup on you?” 

“Yeah, I got some in my bag.” Jay had brought it in with him. “I can fix myself up.” Jay went in and closed the door. The photographer looked over at Carlos. Carlos stared back. 

“Make yourself comfortable, this should be a couple of hours,” he said. “Get yourself a soda if you want, but no beer. I’m saving that for the weekend.” 

“Thanks,” Carlos said, nodding. He’d brought his tablet with him, since Jay told him it might be a while. He got a Diet Coke, then found a chair out of the way. After a few minutes, Jay came out. 

Carlos raised an eyebrow. Jay was wearing a tight pair of underwear and a tank. He must have done his face, because it looked fantastic. Like himself, but better. Jay went to where the lights were set up, and stood in front. “Where do I stand?”

“There’s good for now,” he said. “I’ll take a few here, and we can do some in front of the fireplace.” Jay smiled, and the guy took a few. “You have an amazing smile,” he said. “Some models are always so stoic. And you have long hair, that makes you stand out.” 

Jay grinned more but didn’t answer back. He just moved and posed as the photographer directed or praised him. Carlos got his tablet, reading. He didn’t look up until he heard the photographer say “Yeah, show me your ass.”

He jerked his head up, and Jay had the underwear pulled up, exposing his cheeks. He was looking over his shoulder at the camera. His expression was vulnerable and a little scared. He looked like he needed taking care of. He looked fragile. That contrasted with his muscled body was like getting hit in the face twice. 

Carlos imagined Jay using that face on his old girlfriends, maybe even his friends, to get his way. Part of him wanted to break that fucker’s camera, for putting that look out in the world. Park of him wanted to march Jay out of there right then, fuck if it made him mad or not.

But he just watched as his boyfriend posed. After a while, he set it aside and started reading again. After another hour, they were done. Jay laughed and stretched his hands over his head, then went back to get dressed. Carlos got up and put his Coke can in the recycling. 

When Jay got out, Carlos expected that Jay would get paid through electronic means, but instead the photographer handed Jay his payment in cash. “Good job,” he said. “Now go take your boyfriend to the doctor.” That last was said with a lot of sarcasm. 

“Oh. Yeah. See you later.” Jay had forgotten about his lie, Carlos noted with amusement. He waved goodbye at the photographer and then they got out of there. 

“Man, that was easy,” Jay said. “Five hundred dollars for flexing and eye fucking the camera. I’m going to save this for next semester.” 

Carlos didn’t say anything, and looked out the car window. “I have to head by the restaurant,” Jay said. “Do you want me to get you something? I’ll be out in a few minutes, I can probably get something for free.”

“Some soup,” Carlos said. “Whatever they’ll give you.” He knew the manager wouldn’t care if Jay got some for free. “Can you leave the keys in? I want to keep the a/c on. It’s pretty hot.” 

“Sure.” Jay was grinning, seemingly energized by the photo shoot. They parked, and Jay looked over at him. “Are you okay? You’re not mad, are you?” 

“I’m not mad,” Carlos said. “It was a weird experience for me, though. We’ll talk about it later.” Jay frowned. “No, it’s really okay. Go talk to your manager, I’ll be here.” Jay gave him a half-smile, then kissed him before leaving. Carlos got his tablet back out. 

When Jay came back, he had two containers of soup, plus some potstickers and sticky rice pudding. “It was going to be thrown out, so they let me have some.” Carlos wondered if the manager was as generous with the rest of the staff. Who knew. They they headed to Jay’s apartment, Carlos still quiet. 

Uma was there, flipping channels. She waved when they came in, but didn’t say anything. Jay and Carlos got the food, and sat next to her. She looked over then. “Got any for me/?” Jay grinned and gave her the pudding. “Thank you.” 

Carlos finished his lunch in silence. When he was done, he walked back to Jay’s room. Jay followed a minute later. 

“Okay,” Jay said. “You must be really mad at me, because you’ve barely said anything all day. You don’t like me modeling, is that it?” Carlos sat on Jay’s bed, and shook his head. “Then what the hell is it?” 

“It’s just, you’re really good at getting what you want from people,” Carlos said. “And you can use that anytime you want. I can barely talk to anyone. And I saw that today and it kind of worried me. I know it hasn’t much before but...” Carlos bit his lip. “I mean, I don’t think I’m just another person you use. But...shit. I don’t know.” 

Jay stood in front of him, stunned. Carlos didn’t want to look at him. He’d grown fonder of Jay over the weeks that they’d been dating for real, and now maybe Jay was done with him. “I’m sorry,” he said, apologizing on reflex, like he did as a kid. “I can go.” 

Jay was still staring at him. “Do you want to go?” Carlos shook his head. His hands were shaking. “Okay. I want you to stay here.” Jay sat on the bed next to him. “You’re right about me,” he said. “I found out I could charm people if I needed to. And I never really thought it was wrong. I just thought it was an extra advantage. Most of the people I did it to had a lot more money than me. But I don’t want you to think I’m using you.” Jay’s voice dropped to a whisper. “You don’t have to give me anything.” 

Carlos nodded. He was still shaking. He looked over at Jay, who was staring at him. He didn’t know what to say now, so he nodded. 

“You believe me?” 

“Yeah.” Carlos turned his body towards Jay. Jay was holding still, and Carlos figured he didn’t want to make the first move. So Carlos moved in slowly, pulling Jay into his arms. Jay hugged him hard. “Sorry, I get scared when I confront people I really like. I’m all right.” 

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay.” Jay kissed his temple. “I love you. I want you to feel safe, okay? You can tell me when you don’ t like something. And I know you don’t say it back, but I’m gonna keep saying it.” 

“I know.” Carlos let Jay comfort him. He closed his eyes, letting the sweetness lull him into relaxation. After a minute, Carlos let go and laid back on the bed. “You treat me better than anyone else I’ve dated.” 

“I cheated on my girlfriend with you,” Jay said, but he took off his shoes and shirt and laid with him. “That doesn’t sound like much of a high bar.”

“Probably not,” Carlos said. “It’s still true though.” Jay cuddled him close. 

“You want to stay with me today?” Jay said. “I can take you out, or we can just hang out here.” 

“I need to get home by at least seven,” Carlos said. “Evie wants me to fix dinner. I need to spend some time with her. I can text her and ask if she’s okay with you coming over. But I can stay here until then. You don’t have to take me anywhere.”

“I might, later,” Jay said. “You really helped me out. I know you were reading most of the time, so you didn’t see the way that photographer looked at me. It was really creepy. So I owe you.”

“If he does it again I will skin him,” Carlos said, and they laughed. “Okay,” Carlos said, still smiling. “I will allow you to take me out.” 

“Well thank you,” Jay said, and they laughed. Carlos figured he was laughing more, he was happier. Maybe he was finally healing. Maybe he did love Jay, and it could work out for them.

Maybe he shouldn’t jinx it by thinking too hard. He moved in for a kiss, and then his mind was distracted from thinking about it.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos tries to say what he means, and it's not easy.

“Is it always like this?” Carlos looked around the crowded dining room. He’d quit his shitty fast food job, and Jay had gotten him a job as a waiter’s assistant at his place of work. It was his first shift, it was a Saturday night, and it was packed. 

“Not always, but there’s a big Thai art exhibition at the museum,” Jay said, grinning at him. “Don’t worry about it, they won’t notice you much. Just do your job and keep an eye on the floor. Come get me if it looks like any of my tables need me.” 

“Gotcha.” Carlos went and started bussing tables. Jay was right, nobody even noticed him most of the time. He did keep an eye on the floor, but Jay was an amazing server, seemingly appearing out of thin air to help his tables. 

The night was long and Carlos was a sweaty mess by the end, but then they closed and cleaned up and Jay cashed out his tips. “Here you go, ten percent,” Jay said, sliding it into his back pocket. The bartender shook his head but said nothing. Carlos’s eyes widened-ten percent of Jay’s tips wasn’t bad. This place didn’t tip-share, so he’d just have to cross his fingers that the other servers were honest.

“Hey, you did good!” Another server, a girl named Lonni, came over and tipped him out next. “That was good for your first night, didn’t get overwhelmed. If you didn’t run screaming after this night, you might actually last more than two months.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Carlos laughed a little. He was becoming more approachable with new people, and that wasn’t something he expected. Jay put an arm around him. “Stop, I’m sweaty.” 

Jay came closer and said in his ear, “I like you sweaty.” Lonni put a hand over her mouth and laughed, and Carlos squirmed out of his arms. “Aw, come on.” 

“Later,” he said. Work must have been one of the places where Jay was out. Or maybe it was just with Lonni, who looked like she could be gay to him. “Right now I need to get a shower.” Jay grinned and took the sticks out his hair, shaking it out. 

“Yeah, let’s go.” Carlos followed Jay to his car. They had to walk down an alley since the restaurant wouldn’t let the staff park in their lot. Carlos watched carefully to make sure they weren’t in danger. There was a security guard, but he was looking the other direction. “I wish I coulda parked closer,” Jay muttered, one hand in a fist. 

“Yeah.” They got to the car with their money, and then drove back to Jay’s. It was empty when they got there, and Jay pulled him in for a kiss. “You did so good,” he said. “Go start the shower, I’ll be there in a minute.” Carlos walked back to the bathroom on rubber legs. Fuck he was tired.

When he got under the spray, he sighed. The hot water was helping a lot. He really just wanted to shower and sleep. But then Jay ran in, tying his hair up so it wouldn’t get soaked. “Hey baby,” he said. Carlos expected a kiss, but Jay took the soap instead and washed both of them off. 

Carlos got himself rinsed off, and Jay held him back to front, kissing his neck. “I loved having you at my job,” Jay said. “I was stealing looks at your ass ever time you bent down.” 

“Oh, you perv,” Carlos laughed as Jay ran his hands over his body. “Jay, but...I’m really tired.” Jay’s hands stopped, and Carlos had to swallow against the panic rising. “I mean, we can fuck, I was just saying I might not be up for much. I’m sorry.” 

“Hey, hey. Do you _want_ to fuck?” Carlos didn’t look at him. “Hey. Look at me. You don’t have to if you’re tired. Are you okay? You’ve said no to me before.” Carlos turned and looked at Jay. He seemed concerned, but not angry. 

That helped get up his courage. “I know, but you seemed like you really wanted to. And you were happy and maybe I could do something. I’m just tired.” Carlos came in closer, and Jay hugged him. 

“You were scared to turn me down though,” Jay said, and kissed his cheek. “Carlos…I’m not going to hurt you. And if you want to you can go to bed. I’ll meet you there. Just get some sleep.” They kissed, and Carlos got out of the shower. 

He dried off and went to bed, still anxious. Jay wasn’t mad, he told himself. He wasn’t going to pressure him or freeze him out. It was okay. 

He was asleep before Jay got in bed with him.

“Hey.” Carlos opened his eyes. 

“Hey. You’re still here? Don’t you have practice?” Carlos turned to look at Jay, who was on his side, on hand on Carlos’s hip.

“Nope, there’s a thunderstorm coming. So it’s been delayed.” Jay looked serious. “How are you? That worried me last night. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do something.” 

“I mean, I know you won’t pressure me. At least I think you won’t,” Carlos said, and Jay’s eyes widened. “But...” Carlos trailed off. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You’ve never told me much about your dating history,” Jay said, voice soft. “I figured it wasn’t very good.” Carlos nodded. “But when you can, try to let me know. I want to know what I need to avoid.” Carlos didn’t know what to say. Jay brushed a hand through his hair. 

“I’ll try,” Carlos said. “I wish I was in the mood last night. You looked amazing, even after a ten hour shift.” Jay grinned. “You weren’t even worn out, you just kept going. You’re amazing at your job.”

“Thanks. I hope I don’t wind up doing it my whole life, though.” Jay came in for a kiss, and Carlos opened to it. He was still a little tired, but most of the anxiety was gone. Jay moaned into the kiss, and rolled on top of him. “Good?” He said. 

“Yeah,” Carlos answered. Jay smiled again, and kissed over his neck. Carlos scratched down Jay’s back, and Jay jerked his hips in response. Carlos heard a roll of thunder outside as Jay reached between them to grab his cock. 

When they were done, Jay kissed him more, lazily, then went to the shower. Carlos laid back and ticked off his feelings. Happy, sated, understood...loved? 

He was in love, he was pretty sure of it. Now he had to tell Jay, who had been so patient waiting on it. 

Except he couldn’t. Nope. No way. He wasn’t ready. He tried to think of Jay’s bad traits, maybe to snap himself out of it.

 _Vain. Manipulative. Mooches off richer friends. Cheated. Would probably be a rent boy if left to his own devices. Selfish, Only knows how to look after himself._ Carlos decided to ignore how much the last one applied to him. 

Then he heard the water in the bathroom sink shut off. Jay was back, with a washcloth and a big smile. He cleaned Carlos up, even as he weakly protested that he could do it himself. “Hush,” Jay said. “I’m being a gentleman.” Carlos laughed, and Jay kissed him. “Now get up,” Jay said as he stood up. “I’m fixing us breakfast. Anything you want.” 

Yeah, he was in love.

...

“What happened then?” Evie was sitting on the couch with him, holding his hand. 

“Jay fixed pancakes,” Carlos said. “They were really good too. Then we went back to his room and had round two. Then he took me home and went to practice.” Carlos picked at his shorts. “And I’m in love with him. And I didn’t say it.”

Evie was quiet a moment. “Did you do anything to try to let him know, even if it wasn’t with words?” 

Carlos looked ahead. “I hugged him, for a long time.” He blinked, his eyes a little watery. “I hugged him like a kid hugs a big teddy bear, and I didn’t want to let go. I think he knows now.” 

“Did he say anything?” 

“He just said...” Carlos paused to wipe his eyes. “’Oh, okay.’ That was it. Then he took me here. Did I do okay? Was that the right thing to do?” 

Evie thought for a minute. “I think it was the right thing for now,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “I think you tried to express how you felt the best way you knew how. And it’s much more than I’ve ever seen you do. So, good job.” 

“Thanks,” Carlos said. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

“I don’t think anybody does.” Evie moved closer and pulled him into a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could draw Jay with his hair put up with sticks. It would look amazing.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos and Jay fight, then make up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, we're going up to explicit on this one. I thought maybe holding back was wrong for this story now.

The summer continued, with Carlos spending most of his time around Jay, either at work on at one of their apartments. Evie decided she should try to get to be better friends with Jay, which was how he turned up in one of her You Tube makeup videos. 

Afterward, Jay was a giggly mess. “I know I should take this off,” he said about the gold eyeshadow she had put on him. “But I really like it.” He kept preening in front of the bathroom mirror, until Carlos laughed and started pulling him away. 

“Come on, you vain asshole. Let’s watch TV. You can keep it on if you like.” Jay let himself be dragged back, and then they cuddled on the couch while Evie shut herself up editing. 

That night, they curled in Carlos’s bed. “I hope the mattress doesn’t hurt your back,” Carlos said. “I really need a new one.” 

“I can help you,” Jay said. “I can help you find one.” 

Carlos turned around, looking at Jay’s face in the dim light from the window. “I don’t know about that,” he said. “I don’t want to take something that big from you.” 

“You won’t be taking it from me. I’ll just help you.” Jay was smiling. “I’ll see if there’s something you can afford, if that’s what you want. I don’t think anyone I know it throwing their bed out, so don’t worry about that.” 

“I don’t know if I’d take a mattress that someone was throwing out anyway,” Carlos said. “Sounds risky.” 

“It’s okay. I know you probably wouldn’t like that, if I got you something for free.” Carlos didn’t say anything. Jay knew that Carlos wanted to do things on his own. “And honestly, nobody gives away good mattresses, I’ve never gotten one like that.”

“That is a good point,” Carlos said. “And I’m making more money now.” Carlos figured Jay helping him get a better job wasn’t so bad. “You do help me a lot,” he said. 

“Yeah, I want to,” Jay said. “Now we need to sleep. I’ve got practice tomorrow and you’ve got that class. You’re gonna graduate soon at this rate.” 

“Hopefully,” Carlos said, and then he turned back around so Jay could spoon him. 

Three days later, he got a text from Jay. **Come after practice, we can get lunch** Carlos had never been around the field much, but he thought this might be the next step in Jay’s coming out. 

He walked through the practice area, looking for Jay. He sent a text, but got nothing back. “Hey, where’s Jay?” he asked one of Jay’s teammates. 

The guy pointed to a building. “He’s in there. I wouldn’t go in if I were you. Coach is really mad at him for something.” Carlos nodded at him, and then walked over to the building, but didn’t open the door. He could hear muffled shouting, and moved in closer. 

“I just don’t know what the hell you’re thinking about anymore, Amiri! I saw that makeup video you did, and on its own that would be fine. But what are these?” 

Then he heard Jay, very calm. “The video was just me spending some time with a friend. And I did some modeling for extra money, in case I have unexpected expenses. It’s not any different that doing modeling for art classes.” 

“Yes it is! You’re going to mess around and get yourself in real trouble if you’re not careful. Now, I don’t give a damn what your sexuality is. That’s none of my business. But I’m worried about you!” He heard a short intake of breath that meant that Jay was about to lose his cool, and decided to go in. 

Both of them turned to look at him. “Sorry,” Carlos said. “I came here to meet Jay and I heard what was going on.” Jay looked relieved, and the coach just stared in surprise. Then he held up the picture of Jay showing off his ass. 

“Did you put him up to this?”

“No sir. But I was there.” The Coach blinked. “I went to make sure nothing would happen to him. I agree with you for the most part. I think it could lead to stuff I don’t want Jay involved in. But I can’t tell him what to do with his life.” 

The coach stared Carlos down, then looked at Jay. “You’re sitting out the next practice. Now take your...friend, and go do whatever you had planned. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Coach Jenkins...” Jay looked like he wanted to protest, but Carlos took his arms, gently leading Jay back. 

“Thank you,” Carlos said to the coach, and then he got Jay out of there.

They wound up going for a jog as Jay tried to work off his frustration. “I don’t know why he’s singling me out. Some of my teammates are up to much worse. I just model, is it such a big deal?” Carlos was trying too hard to keep up with him to say much, so they stopped. 

Carlos panted for a minute. “He’s worried about you. I worry about you too,” Carlos said. “You take risks, and I think you enjoy stuff like modeling and flirting with people. I just don’t want you to get in over your head. I don’t think your coach does either.” 

“I can take care of myself. That’s why I asked you to come with me, so I wouldn’t get over my head. Goddammit. Nobody understands...I have to rely on myself. You know? I know you know that.” Jay was angry, Carlos noted, his hands flexing. Carlos moved a little further away, just in case. 

“I know. But you have other ways to do that.” Jay pushed some sweaty hair off his face. “I mean, waiting tables and charming everyone into giving you tips is one thing. But you can do other things besides selling your body.”

“I’m not,” Jay snapped. “I wasn’t even naked. And I’m not you, I can’t sit and code all day, I can’t fix my electronics the way you can. I’m not smart.”

“That’s not true!” Now it was Jay’s turn to look wary. “You always act like you’re an idiot and you’re not!” Carlos’s voice carried a little too far, and he saw someone look over. “Shit.” 

“Let’s go back to the car. I’ll take you home.” Jay turned around and didn’t look to see if Carlos was following. Carlos ran to catch up. 

“So our date’s off because I said you weren’t stupid? Now I really don’t know what’s going on.” Jay didn’t say anything and wouldn’t look at him. “Jay, I’ve been telling you were were smart from day one. I’ve seen your papers for psychology. You know what you’re doing.” Jay’s writing was spare and eloquent, getting his ideas across clearly.

“It won’t lead anywhere,” Jay said. “I won’t get enough money to go get certification to be a counselor, probably. Or whatever. I don’t even know what I want to do.” He was starting to slow down, even though he still didn’t look over.

“Is that what you’re saving for?” Jay stopped. “Look, I won’t yell at you for wanting to have a future. I get it. I have to watch everything I do. But I’ll still worry about you sometimes. And you’re doing fine. You’ve got another year before you graduate.” 

Jay did look at him then. Carlos reached for his hand. Jay didn’t push him away, but he started walking again. “Let’s go. My car’s only a quarter mile from here.” Carlos wound up with a hand on his arm as they walked. Carlos didn’t even know what to say. This was completely confusing. 

When they got to the car, Jay drove them towards his place. “I won’t take you home unless you really want to go,” he said. “But I might be too upset to do anything fun.” Jay kept his eyes on the road. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Maybe I can help you with that,” Carlos said. “I didn’t know it worried you so much. And I don’t want to go home yet. We can hang out at your place if you want.” Jay nodded, driving them to his apartment. It was empty, and Jay sat on the couch, his arms crossed in front of him.

“Hey,” Carlos said. “I can leave if you want to be alone.” Jay shook his head. “I don’t know what to do here. Do you really think you’re that bad at school?” 

“I know I do okay,” Jay said. “But I never know what to say when you call me smart. Nobody else ever does that. So I always think you’re just messing with me.” Jay looked over. “And I know you just liked me for my looks, at first.”

“At first,” Carlos clarified. “But I’m not shallow enough to stay with you this long for only that.” That got him a small smile, before it faded away. “You are smart. And you stick with things. You don’t give up. You should be proud of that.” 

“Guess so,” Jay said. He was quiet for a minute. “I hope Coach isn’t really angry at me. He’s probably the best coach I’ve ever had. I mean, I really don’t think he cares about me being gay.” 

“He seems all right,” Carlos said. “And if he’s worried, that’s good, you know?” Carlos reached over and touched Jay’s knee. “You know, we can go to bed. You should stop worrying about all this. I can help you with that.” 

“Yeah?” Jay looked at him, a bit hesitant. “You don’t mind if we fuck so I can feel better about my problems?”

“It’s fine,” Carlos said. “Everyone does it sometimes. And I want to. I’m totally okay with this.” Carlos stood up then, taking off his shirt. “Come on.” He walked back to Jay’s room, and after a minute, he heard Jay following him. 

Carlos stripped and got on the bed, watching Jay. Jay striped slowly, watching Carlos as he did it. When he was done, he stood there a minute, letting Carlos get a good look. Then he got on the bed, crawling over Carlo’s body and giving him a playful bite on the neck. “How do you want me?”

“Oh, um, this is really nice,” Carlos said as Jay continued kissing and biting him. “You want to fuck me, then?” 

“Maybe,” Jay said. “But maybe I’m ready to do something new. Have you ever topped before?” Carlos looked at Jay, making sure he wasn’t kidding. “I mean, if you don’t like to-” 

“Yeah, I have. Been a while, but yeah.” Carlos had a few partners like liked to switch it up before. He was still a little surprised that Jay was among them. “We can do that. But it might hurt at first.” 

“That’s okay. I’ll tell you if it’s too much.” Jay kissed him, then rolled on his back. Carlos reached into Jay’s nightstand for condoms and lube. Jay only sighed when Carlos fingered him, looking up at the ceiling. 

“You okay?” Carlos said, and Jay nodded. He didn’t look down at him though, still staring upward. Carlos wasn’t sure why, but he thought Jay might be trying to keep calm by focusing on the ceiling. “I’m gonna play with your cock,” Carlos said. “I want you to like this, okay? It’s not an ordeal.” 

“Okay,” Jay said. He looked down at him then, then back up. Carlos played with Jay as he fingered him, and Jay moaned. Carlos kept going, and he could feel Jay relax as he kept going. 

“Are you ready?” Jay had his eyes closed, but he opened them, and smiled at Carlos. “If you want to wait, just let me know.” He was pretty sure that Jay liked this, at least a little. But he was being so calm it was a little worrying. 

“I might be, not sure. Um, should I turn over? Or do you want me on top, like you did? I remember that was pretty hot.” Carlos removed his fingers, and moved so he was on his back. “Okay. I can do this.” Carlos got the condom on, and Jay moved so he was on top. “I’m nervous now.” 

“Just get in position. You can take as much as you want this way. And I can kiss you.” Jay laughed a little, nervous again, and Carlos held his cock as Jay moved around. “Okay, there you are. Now push back.” 

Jay did, and hissed a little. “Don’t go too fast,” Carlos said. “Jay, do you hear me?” 

Jay nodded, but seemed to be trying to move further. Then he paused, and Carlos watched as he caught his breath. “Okay,” Jay said. He moved a little more, and Carlos held him steady as Jay discovered what was comfortable. “Wow. You feel good.” 

“Yeah? It doesn’t hurt?” Jay shook his head. He was watching Carlos intently now, no longer looking away. If he was trying to block him out, that was over. “Okay. You feel good too.” Jay smiled then, a little nervous, and Carlos kissed the corner of his mouth

“Oh fuck,” Jay whispered, and Carlos held on to him as Jay took more. “i don’t know how much I can do, but I love it.”

“We can stop, and do something else. Okay? Whenever you want.” Jay whimpered in response, muffling the noise in his arm. “Shhh. It’s okay. I got you.” Jay didn’t say much after that, just made little whimpers and cries.

Are a while, Jay stilled. “I want to stop,” he said. Carlos let go of him, and Jay moved off slowly. “I couldn’t anymore, it was overwhelming. Am I going to be sore later?” 

Carlos looked at him. Jay was about half hard and didn’t seem to be in pain or upset. “Maybe. Is there anything you want?” Carlos took off the condom, he was still hard. Jay looked at him, questioning. Carlos nodded. “If you want to touch me, that’s good.” 

“Okay.” Jay pulled Carlos closer and kissed him. Then he got the lube and finished Carlos with his hand. Carlos kissed Jay’s neck, sliding his hand down to Jay’s cock. “Mmmm, that’s good,” Jay said, and Carlos touched him, taking his time. 

“Can you blow me?” Jay said, and Carlos grinned at him before moving down his body. Jay sunk ah and in his curls as Carlos took care of him. When he was done, Jay was lying on the bed, apparently boneless. 

“Okay,” Jay said when Carlos came up to cuddle him. “I think I’ve forgotten about whatever we were were fighting about. I won’t give you any trouble for the rest of the day.” Carlos laughed and went to get a washcloth. 

When he came back, Jay was asleep. Carlos cleaned him up, trying not to wake him. Then he snuggled up next to Jay, who sighed in his sleep. 

Carlos laid there with him for a few minutes, then sat up. He had to go to his job at the restaurant. He needed to be quiet, so he wouldn’t wake Jay. 

“Hey,” Jay said. Whoops, didn’t work. “Don’t go.”

“I have work in two hours,” he said. “And we never ate lunch so I’ll have to stop to get something. I’ll see you later.” 

“I’ll pay you to stay, don’t leave me,” Jay said, big-eyed. “No wait, that was clingy. I’ll talk to you after work. And you can have some of my protein bars. Take some with you.” Carlos looked at him and smiled. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, crawling over and kissing Jay. “I like you.” Then he slid away before Jay could grab him, and got his clothes on. 

“You seem happier now,” Jay said. “Maybe being with me isn’t a disaster for you. I hope not.” Carlos didn’t say anything, concentrating on getting his shoes on. “I love you,” Jay said. Carlos turned back, and Jay didn’t want to look at him. 

“I know. I like you,” Carlos said, feeling weak and stupid for not saying it back. “I’ll call you tonight. Maybe come over if you want.” Jay looked back at him, and nodded. “I’m sorry. I have to go.” 

“It’s not hopeless, is it?” Carlos shook his head. “Okay. I can live with that.” Jay smiled then. “I’ll see you later.” Carlos smiled back, and left the room. He picked up two protein bars and headed towards his place so he could get dressed. 

Should he worry about Jay? He seemed okay, just clingy. But Carlos couldn’t do anything about it. He had to go to work, he couldn’t get fired. He just hurried home in the blazing heat, then took a shower, and took public transport to the restaurant. 

He texted Jay while on it. **You okay? You seem down**

He got an answer back after a minute. **I’m okay. I’m not good at being alone.**

Carlos kept texting, trying to keep Jay distracted, until he was at his stop. **Call me tonight,** , he said. He got a smiley face, and that was it.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay pulls away, and Carlos has to help him.

It was a few days before he saw Jay again. He would text him, but Jay would only give short answers. He saw Jay at work and he was smiling, but didn’t say a whole lot. 

Finally, he cornered Jay in the store room. “Jay, what’s wrong? What did I do?” Jay shook his head, but wouldn’t look Carlos in the eye. “Are you breaking up with me?” 

“No, I don’t think so,” Jay said. “I just have some stuff going on. I don’t want to talk about it.” Jay turned around, and Carlos grabbed his arm. 

“Don’t. I don’t want you to pull away from me. When we get out of here, can you tell me what’s going on?” Jay turned to look at him, and nodded. “Okay. I won’t bother you until we go home.” 

“Yeah. Three more hours,” Jay said, and they left the room. Lonni winked at them, probably thinking that Carlos had gone down on Jay back there. He watched as Jay slapped a smile on his face right when he went through the double doors and into the dining area. Carlos just went and did his job. 

Finally they closed, finished their sidework, and got tipped out. They left together. Jay looked tired, even though he was normally still energetic even after a busy night. “Okay. Let’s go home,” he said when they reached the car. 

They drove in silence for a while. After a minute, Jay said. “Maybe one day we will have a place. After you graduate. If you still want to be with me by then.” 

“I probably will want to,” Carlos said. “Do you think I’m going to leave you? Is that was this is all about?” 

“I don’t know,” Jay said. “I mean yeah, I think that, but that’s not really what’s bothering me. Hang on, we’re almost there.” They lapsed into silence as Jay drove them to his place. When they got out, Jay took Carlos’s hand as they walked to his place. When they got in, Jay sat on the couch. 

Carlos didn’t sit yet. “Please, just tell me what it is. You being this quiet is scaring me.” 

Jay took Carlos’s hand, rubbing his thumb over the knuckles. “Audrey’s found out about us,” Jay said. “Chad is on the baseball team with me and he let it slip. Maybe an accident, maybe not. I had her number blocked, but she got a new one and sent me a message. Several, actually. I keep blocking them.” 

Carlos waited to hear if there was more. “I mean, she really can’t do anything to me. If she calls, I’ll block her. If she comes to my door, I’ll let Evie handle that.” Jay laughed a little. “So, there has to be something else.” 

“She um. She wants something from me.” Jay looked ahead. “She sent me a long e-mail after I blocked her.” 

“What does she want?” Carlos was completely confused now. 

“She wants a baby. She thinks I’ll be a good candidate to father it.” 

Carlos couldn’t help it, he laughed. “Come on,” he said. Jay didn’t move. “Wait, Jay? She wants you to father her kid? She’s what, twenty?” This couldn’t be serious, he must have heard wrong.

“Her family’s rich,” Jay whispered. He didn’t look over. “She offered me a lot of money. Swore she’d never ask me for anything else, she just wanted to have a pretty baby and I would be good for that. Even if I was gay.” He looked down at his lap. “I said no.” 

“Well good. You said no. Because that’s insane,” Carlos said. “If she keeps at you, try getting a retraining order-”

“Should I have said yes?” Carlos stopped cold. That was the last thing he expected to hear. But Jay was staring at him, wide-eyed. “I said no because I figured you’d want me to. But it was so much money, so much. I could pay for school, get the degree I want. I wouldn’t have to worry. And she just wants this one thing. But I couldn’t do it.”

Carlos tried to get control of himself so he wouldn’t yell. “No, you shouldn’t. You did the right thing by saying no, and I’ll tell you why.” He took another deep breath. He had to be logical if he was going to sell this. “If she writes your name on the birth certificate, then she can legally get child support whenever she wants.”

“But she doesn’t need it-”

“That’s not the point,” Carlos said. “The point is, she might ask for it as a way to control you. She’s furious because you left her, and for a guy, right?” Jay nodded. “This is about control. It’s not about having the best looking baby or whatever she said. And you told me she liked having sex with you, so she might be trying to get that back too.” 

“She didn’t seem interested in me going to a sperm bank, no.” Jay put his arms around his waist, hugging himself. “She just-she’s never going to leave me alone. I just want to be left alone.” 

Carlos wasn’t sure what to do at first. Then he moved closer, and put his arms around Jay. Jay didn’t move his arms, but he slumped towards him, putting his head on Carlos’s shoulder. “I’ve got you,” Carlos said. “I won’t let her get to you. Let’s get ready for bed. We can talk about this more in the morning. I think you need to rest.” 

“Okay,” Jay said. Carlos got up and led Jay to the shower. They spent a lot of time in there, holding each other and kissing. When they were done, Jay started drying his hair and Carlos went to get the bed ready, changing the sheets. 

When Jay was ready to go to bed, they curled up together. “I’m with you in this,” Carlos said. “If you need me, if she’s bothering you, text me and I’ll come over. Even if I’m in class. And um, I love you.” Jay opened his eyes at that, then snuggled in closer. Carlos expected more of a reaction, but Jay had been depressed and tired. “See, it’s going to be okay.” 

“You don’t need to take care of me, but thanks,” Jay said, and then fell asleep. Carlos held him until he fell asleep. 

…

Carlos kept in touch with Jay, who answered more but still seemed distant. Carlos decided he was just in need of space and didn’t push. 

Then one day as he was leaving class, he got a text. **Come over quick, she’s here.** Carlos texted back **on my way** and ran from his class down to the Jay’s apartments. Fuck, he needed a car. He finally got there, and saw Jay in his doorway, talking to the girl he’d seen at the movie theater. “What’s going on?” Audrey turned and looked at him. 

“Who’s this?” Carlos looked at Jay. He was wearing shorts, like he’d been about to go jogging. Audrey was dressed primly for the heat. 

Jay said “This is Carlos. I asked him to come. I told you you’re not coming in. I told you no. Now I want you to go away. “Jay reached for Carlos’s hand, and he took it. 

Audrey’s eyes widened, looking at their hands. “You could do better than him,” she said dismissively. “Did you break up with me for him? Come on.” She looked back at him, fake smile on. “Jay, I’ll only ask you do this once. I’ll pay you, and then if you don’t want to you’ll never see me again.”

“Really?” Carlos said. “Should we get a contract and a lawyer to sign off? Oh no, if we did that you’d have to actually stick to it.” Audrey looked shocked that he would bring that up. “But you won’t, because this isn’t about a baby is it? You just want Jay at your beck and call again. That’s why you didn’t ask Chad, right?” 

“How do you know I didn’t ask him?” Carlos smiled at her, which just unnerved her further. 

“From what Jay’s told me, Chad would do anything you ask. And that’s no fun, is it? Jay left you without asking permission first. That’s the kind of thing that bothers you, right? Really gets under your skin. I know the type.” Carlos thought of his mom, and squeezed Jay’s hand harder. 

“You don’t know me!” She turned to Jay. “You better reconsider my offer, because this is your one chance to make something of your life. You’re too much of a loser to get what you want by yourself. You’ve got no money, and you just mooch off everyone. Is he paying for you now?” She pointed at Carlos, and that was it. Carlos slapped her hand away, and she gasped.

“You need to leave. Now.” He said. Audrey tried to say something, but Carlos stepped a little closer. “I won’t tell you again. Go.” Audrey stomped away then, and Carlos pulled Jay inside the apartment as she left. 

Jay just headed straight back to his room, and Carlos followed him after triple-locking the door. That girl was scary. He found Jay curled on the bed. “She’s right,” he said. “I’m a failure. Everyone thinks I’m going to wind up selling myself anyway. At least she’s offering good money.” 

Carlos sat on the other side of the bed. “I don’t think that. You seem interested in it sometimes, but you aren’t going in that direction. You’re in school, you’re making something of yourself. You work so hard.” Carlos wanted to reach for Jay, but he didn’t seem ready for that. 

“She talk to you like that a lot?” Carlos figured Jay was ready for a change of subject.

“Whenever I disagreed with her,” Jay said. “She has good qualities, I swear. She’s smart and funny. But she really needs things her way all the time.” Jay looked over at him. “You don’t need to take care of me, I’m fine.”

“Hey, you asked me over,” Carlos said, smiling. He moved then, lying next to Jay.. “And maybe I’m spending my time worrying about you instead of myself. I still have a lot of issues. But I like being with you. I want things to be good for you.” 

“Yeah. You said you loved me.” Carlos nodded. He hadn’t said it since that time, but he wouldn’t deny it. “I’m glad. I was pretty sure you did.” Jay took a deep breath. “But I don’t like that it took me having a crisis for you to say it.” 

“I’m sorry,” Carlos said. “I was scared to.” Carlos reached out, and took Jay’s hand. He didn’t pull away, but didn’t move. “Please try not to hold it against me,” he said. Jay looked over at him, and nodded once. “Can I hold you?” 

Jay moved so he was spooning Carlos. “Might want you to make me forget about this,” Jay said. “We haven’t fucked in a while. I’m sorry I pushed you away.” Jay kissed the back of Carlos’s neck. “But right now I just feel so numb.” 

“I’ll spend the night. We can have sex whenever you want. I don’t have any more classes, and I’m not leaving you alone. Is Uma here?”

“She’s actually on a road trip, Ben is taking her to his summer house. I don’t know what she’s going to do about her job.” Jay ran a hand under Carlos’s shirt, over his stomach. Carlos giggled. “Awww. I never hear you do that. I should tickle you more often.” 

“Shut up,” Carlos said, but he was laughing. “I’ll take the shirt off, if you want.” Jay rolled away and they both started removing some clothes. Carlos was in his underwear, and Jay naked. Then they curled up again. “I love you,” he said, It was less scary this time.

Jay didn’t say anything, but he kissed Carlos before scooting down so he could lay his head on Carlos’s shoulder. “I want to rest now.”

“Okay,” Carlos whispered, and he played with Jay’s hair until he fell asleep.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audrey exposes some of Carlos's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this.

Carlos knew there was going to be pushback from Audrey for standing up to her. It didn’t take long.

He got harassing messages to his Facebook and blocked them. He got texts from an unknown number and blocked them. He strengthened his internet security and looked out for a pretty, obsessive nutcase in his apartment parking lot. He’d even gotten a picture to show Evie so she knew who to look out for. 

He even told his professors he might be getting harassed, and to tell them if they got any reports on him. So far, that hadn’t happened.

After a week of this infuriating nonsense, he was hanging out in a Mexican restaurant near campus, eating fried ice cream and studying. He felt someone hovering over him, and looked up. “Audrey. Whatever you want to say, I don’t want to hear it. You need to give this up. It doesn’t make you look good.” 

“You have something that’s mine. I don’t want to give him up. I miss him.” She looked at his plate. “Sweets only?” 

“Yep, I have a shift at my job later, I need the energy.” Carlos turned to get a better look at her. “Jay isn’t a thing. He’s not a toy or a possession. And I’m sorry if you see it that way, but it’s not healthy for you. And he’s not going to father your baby, if that’s what you actually want. I can’t tell with you.” 

“You think you’re so smart.” Audrey sat down at the booth, staring at him. “You don’t know him like I do. He’ll do anything to prove he’s not poor trailer trash.” Carlos stared at him, anger rising. “That’s not you, I can tell,” she said, looking him up and down. “Your family has money?”

Carlos wasn’t wearing designer clothes. Audrey must have been going by body language or telepathy. “Had. I’ll never see a dime of it. I take care of myself.” Carlos took another bite of his ice cream. “I don’t like you talking about him like that. You really know how to stomp on his insecurities, don’t you?” 

“It’s not hard,” she said, and looked at his plate. “I might get that, before I leave. Get it to go.” She stood up. “Does he love you? Even though you can’t give him anything?”

Carlos lost it then. “I can give him the kind of sex he wants. That counts for a lot.” Audrey’s mouth dropped open, and Carlos grinned in pure malice. “He doesn’t want you, Audrey. No matter what you say to him, I don’t think he’s ever going back.” 

“That’s what you think. Bitch.” Audrey left, going towards the front. Carlos heard her ordering, and he threw some bills on the table and left before she put her attention back on him. Now he needed to get home, change for work, and let Jay know what she’d said. 

“Fucking lunatic,” Jay said as he drove them both to work. “She’s got everything-she’s pretty, rich, smart. I don’t understand why she wants to ruin my life. It doesn’t make any sense.” Jay slapped the steering wheel in frustration. “I don’t know what to do. At least she hasn’t shown up at our job yet.”

“Don’t say that, she will,” Carlos said. Privately, he was worried about Audrey snooping into his life. He still had told Jay very little about it. He needed to, there was a lot. But now he had to. And quickly, before she beat him to it. But for now, they had to work. 

As they parked down the street from the restaurant, Carlos said “I have a lot I need to tell you. You still don’t know a lot about me.” 

Jay looked over at he shut off the engine. “I love you. That won’t change. I’m sure of it.” Carlos doubted that. But he smiled.

“Good. Love you too.” They didn’t talk about it for the rest of the night. 

When they got back to Jay’s place, they took a shower, kissing under the spray. Carlos wanted to tell Jay everything, all the shit that had happened to him. Instead, they stumbled into bed, kissing. When Jay put him on his back, Carlos decided to wait until tomorrow. 

Tomorrow turned into two days, then three. Carlos just didn’t know how to bring it up. Plus, they had a lot to do, and Audrey seemed to have calmed down. Carlos should have known not to trust it. 

One day, he came over with his computer and book, to find Jay looking over some papers. They seemed to be printed out, instead of just sending him links. Who knew why. Carlos felt a crash in his stomach. “Jay. Did Audrey give you that?” 

Jay looked up at him. “What have you been hiding from me?” Carlos tried to swallow around the lump in his throat.

“I wasn’t, I just didn’t know how to tell you! I mean, you try bringing some of that up in conversation! Jay, I didn’t do it-”

“Your mother died at home, and you were investigated because of it,” Jay said. “You never even told me she was dead. I know we both haven’t talked a lot about our pasts, but that’s a hell of a thing to not talk about.” 

“I didn’t do anything! I was with someone that night.” 

“Yeah. A forty-five year old man. You were sixteen.” Carlos felt tears stinging his eyes. “You were getting abused? Is that it? Because I understand not wanting to mention it, but if you were suspected of killing your mother, that seems like something to bring up.” 

“I didn’t do anything to her,” Carlos said. “I was with David because he got me away from that house. It was safer than staying there.” Carlos wiped his eyes. “She was an unstable, drunk, fucking evil person. She fell down the stairs when she was in the house alone. That’s it.” 

“You were in foster care for a while, but you kept running back to Evie’s house,” Jay said. Carlos nodded. “Eventually, you just stayed there and refused to leave. Evie’s mom okay with that?”

“She tolerated my presence,” he said. “It helped that she got money from the state. I mostly stayed out of her way.” Carlos was crying a lot then, hands shaking. “Can I sit down?”

“Sure. You don’t have to ask.” Jay looked over all of this. “Any inheritance you would have gotten was given to your uncle, even though you were cleared of any wrongdoing. Why?” 

“He sued for it,” Carlos said. “He said I had bad moral character. Because of David. And um, other men.” Carlos tried to get hold of himself. “Please don’t hate me.” 

Jay didn’t say anything for a minute. “You know, you could have said, when I told you I was in foster care, you could have said ‘me too’. Even if you didn’t say anything else.” Jay looked over at him. “I don’t judge you for the guys you were seeing. They took advantage of you when you were vulnerable. But you should have told me.” 

“I just wanted someone to love me,” Carlos said, shaking with sobs. “And they used me for everything I was worth. I hadn’t even tried to love anyone for years, until I met you. Please, don’t let this come between us.” He was shaking, snot all over his face, and Jay didn’t touch him. “Jay, please.” 

“I can’t believe you hid all of this for this long. We’ve known each other for months. I told you I loved you, and you still kept this to yourself.” Carlos curled in a fetal position on the couch. He couldn’t look over at Jay. This was probably it. He’d made himself vulnerable, and now it was over. 

“They thought I was a killer. What could I say?” They was a pause, and then Carlos felt Jay’s hand brushing through his hair. “Fuck Jay,” Carlos said. “I knew she’d dig this up.”

“I know. You mentioned it, but you didn’t beat her to it.” Jay pulled his hand away and Carlos whined. “Sorry. This is just a lot to handle.” Jay stood up, and Carlos looked up at him. “Go clean up if you want to. I’m gonna be in my room for a while.”

“You don’t want me to join you?” Jay paused, then shook his head. 

“Not yet. But you can stay here. You don’t have to go home. I want you here.” Jay shook his head. “You didn’t even tell me she was gone.” Then Jay walked off. Carlos didn’t know why Jay wanted him to stick around. Maybe he was afraid of what Carlos would do if he was alone. 

Eventually, Carlos stumbled to the bathroom and washed his face. He went through the medicine cabinet and got some pills for a headache. Then he went back to the living room and texted Evie, letting her know what happened. She begged him to come home.

Carlos couldn’t make himself leave the couch. He pulled a blanket over himself and curled up on it. He would stay here and wait until Jay was ready to break up with him. He owed him enough that he should be there when it happened. 

He wasn’t sure how long he had stayed huddled on the couch, but after a while, Jay was back. “Hey,” he said. Carlos sat up, looking at him. “You okay?”

“Not really,” Carlos said. His voice was still hoarse from crying. “I love you. I am so sorry. If you want me to go, I will.”

Jay sat next to him. Carlos struggled to sit up, still wrapped in the blanket. Jay put a hand on his back. “There was some stuff about the cops thinking you were prostituting yourself.” Carlos put a hand over his eyes. “But you weren’t.”

“No. I was giving it away for free.” He was almost cried out, but he shook with dry sobs. “I’m sorry.”

“Is this why you were so protective of me? You didn’t want me to be exploited?” 

Carlos looked up at him. “Yeah. I know what it feels like.” Carlos stared at him. “Can you understand why I was afraid to tell you? I mean, where would I even start? If I hadn’t been out that night, I would probably be in jail.” 

Jay stared at him, eyes wide, then he slowly pulled Carlos in for a hug. “I’m sorry you’ve been living with this for so long,” he whispered. “It’s okay. We’ll have to talk more, but it’s okay.” Carlos felt himself shake helplessly. “No, it’s okay.”

“I don’t know,” Carlos said. “I just cut myself off from having feelings for the longest time. Then I met you, and now you know all of this. I don’t even know what to do with it. I don’t know if I can handle it.” Jay rubbed his back, and Carlos stopped trying to fight the comfort Jay was giving him. 

“Shhh, it’s all right. I love you. I’m sorry I had to be alone for a little while.” Carlos shook his head, not able to say anything. “I just had to think about it. I still have a lot of questions, but they can wait. You don’t need that right now.” 

“I’ll tell you anything you want. But yeah, maybe wait a little while.” Carlos waited a minute, just trying to breathe and calm down. After a bit, he said, “I bet she tries to expose me to the school. It won’t work.”

“You told them?” Jay squeezed him tighter.  
“Yeah. I figured I better, even though I didn’t have a record. There were some newspaper articles at the time, so there was a trail.” Carlos rested his head on Jay’s shoulder. “They had dealt with things like this before. So if Audrey tries it, she’s shit out of luck.” 

“What if she exposes you online?” 

“It would suck, but I was found innocent. If she wants to get me for having sex while underage, that will just make her look bad.” Carlos kissed Jay’s cheek. “David got in trouble because of me. He did about a year in prison. I used to feel guilty for that. I thought I loved him.” 

“It’s okay. You know better now. He was manipulating you.” 

“I didn’t tell the cops I was over there. Evie did. I was so mad at her, told her I’d never speak to her again. She yelled that she had to save my life. Eventually, I got over it.” Carlos felt his head throb. “Can I go lie down?” 

“Yeah baby. Do you want me to lie with you?” Carlos was going to answer when there was a banging on the door. Jay groaned and stood up. “Audrey! Leave us alone!” 

“It’s me, is Carlos in there?” It was Evie. Carlos almost laughed as he stumbled off the couch, leaving the blanket there. He opened the door. 

“Hey sweetie. It’s okay. We’ve been talking.” Evie threw her arms around him. “Hey, it’s okay. Be careful, my head hurts.” Evie eeped and let go of him. “Jay just needed a little time to think. We’re going to work through it. But right now, I need to rest.” 

“Yeah, thank you for looking out for him,’ Jay said. Evie’s eyes filled with tears. Carlos went and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, and went back to the bedroom. He could hear muffled talking between the two of them, and knew Evie might be filling in the details for Jay. He was okay with that. She knew it all, and she never embellished. 

Carlos drank half of the bottle of water, then curled up on the bed. After a while, he heard the door shut, and Jay’s footsteps heading towards him. Jay came in, and Carlos heard him taking off his shoes and shirt. “Are you awake?”

Carlos opened his eyes. “Yes,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” 

“That’s a lot to live with,” Jay said. “But I’m glad you actually didn’t kill your mom.” 

“I hated her,” Carlos said. “But I loved her too. Sometimes I wish I could call her. But I’ve never been to her grave since she was buried.” Jay got into bed behind him and Carlos turned, snuggling into Jay’s chest. 

“It seemed like the police wanted to pin this on you.”

Carlos laughed. “Maybe. I wasn’t there, and the neighbor found her. But one of the cops had the bright idea that I had pushed her and hid. I had no idea why he thought that. Later I found out his son was one of the kids who bullied me, so he probably thought I was bad news, based on what his son said.” 

“Wow. I bet the bullying got worse after that.” Carlos nodded. 

“Yeah, everyone thought I was either a whore or a murderer, if not both. At least some people were too scared to mess with me. But one teacher worked hard to make sure I’d go to college. He knew I had nothing else to help me.” 

“I don’t know how you made it through that. I’m so sorry.” Jay kissed his forehead. “Forgive me for my reaction. I didn’t expect any of that.” 

“She found it quick. I guess I’m not surprised.” His mom had been notorious for her nasty temper and her style. And when she died unexpectedly, the press ran with it for a few weeks. “It’s my fault. I knew she’d get it, and I still didn’t say anything.” 

“No, I just saw you cry, you don’t cry much at all, and you were sobbing. It’s not something you ever like to bring up.” Jay kissed him, then pulled back. “Did you ever get help?”

“Did I see a shrink? Yeah. In foster care. I was given medications and they did some talk therapy. Not a lot, because of their budget, but they at least addressed that I wasn’t okay.” Carlos shook his head. “I would keep sneaking out to see men, and they were begging me not to. The only people I listened to were the people at the health clinic. They tested me for STD’s, and they convinced me to at least use condoms and set boundaries. That helped.” He hadn’t been ready to stop seeing his ‘friends’, but the boundaries did change things. 

“Good. I’m glad.” Jay was quiet for a moment. “I don’t speak to my dad,” he said. “My mom took off years ago. So I know what it’s like to have a bad upbringing. I can fake being happy, but I’ve been so lonely, most of my life.” 

“Yeah.” Carlos still felt lonely a lot, even though being with Jay did help. “You know, after a while, we need to come up with something to say when Audrey tries putting this on social media.” Jay nodded. 

“Okay. Not yet though. I want to stay here with you.” Jay kissed him again. “You’re so strong, for coming through that.” 

“It took a long time,” Carlos said. “I still avoid most people. I kept coming back to you, even when I didn’t know why. I’m glad I did though.” 

“I’m glad too. Stay here tonight.” Carlos nodded, and Jay kissed him again.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audrey tries to to get between Carlos and Jay one last time.

“I can’t believe he was that understanding,” Evie said later. They were back in their apartment, having snacks and watching movies.

“We’re still talking about it. The fact that I never mentioned mom was dead is the big one for him. But if I had, I’d have to say what happened. He’s not angry with me though. He thinks it’s amazing I got through it. I think so too.” 

“I felt like I was the only one holding you together for years,” Evie said. She was looking at the TV, not over at Carlos. “And I was glad someone needed me, but it was a lot of pressure too. That’s one reason I got into makeup so much. It was an escape, and it was all mine. You never liked anything but a little eyeliner.”

“It suits me. I’ll leave the contour to you.” Carlos grinned at her. “You really did save my life. I’m glad Jay knows, he should know how much I owe you.” 

Evie smiled, tsking at him. “You don’t. But I’m glad we made it as far as we have. You’re in love, and we’re both nearly finished. Hopefully I can get a job and not ever have to go home. I never want to be dependent on her again.” 

“I get it. She was pretty awful.” Evie’s mom did tolerate him living with them, but only just. Evie hadn’t spoken to her in months. She had asked one too many invasive questions about who Evie was dating, and she was finally done. “I’m glad you’re done listening to her.” 

“Thanks. I’m glad you’re happy with Jay. Heard anything from Jay’s ex?”

“Nope. We keep waiting for her to try for me on social media. So far she hasn’t.” Carlos had his idea of what he would do if she did that. Jay didn’t like it. 

“She probably thinks Jay broke up with you.” Carlos felt the sting from that. “I’m sorry. But it is probably what she thinks.” 

“It could have worked. I’m glad it didn’t, but it could have.” Carlos went to get a Coke. He came back with it and a mineral water for Evie. “You know, you haven’t dated in a long time. Maybe I should try to find you someone.” 

“I’ve given up looking,” Evie said. “All the guys I’ve tried to date were jerks. They treated me like I was stupid because I liked makeup.” Evie took a sip of her mineral water. “It doesn’t matter to me, I have you. We’re always going to be friends.” 

Carlos didn’t say anything else. Privately he wanted Evie to find someone to love, since he had. He didn’t want them to drift apart and for her to be lonely. But he didn’t say so. Then he got a call from Jay-unusual, since Jay mostly texted. He picked it up. “Yeah?”

“Audrey’s put up this huge rant about you,” Jay said “It’s making me furious. Let me hang up and send you the link.” The line clicked off, and then Jay texted him Audrey’s Facebook. 

Carlos read it silently, with Evie looking over his shoulder. She basically called him out for being manipulative, a slut, and generally being a bad person. “I love how she calls me manipulative,” Carlos said. He could be of course, but he didn’t use it much now.

“She’s stopping just shy of exposing your past,” Evie said. “She’s being very smart.” Carlos looked at it, and then he was texting Jay to get him to come over. “Why in person?” 

“I just want to go over what response we should have, if any,” Carlos said. “I’d rather do this in person so we don’t have misunderstandings.” Carlos waited a little while, and soon Jay was knocking on his door. 

“Hey,” Jay said, hugging Carlos when he opened the door. “What’s your plan?”

“I don’t have one, except the one that you veto’d, Carlos said. “I still want to do it, but I promised you I wouldn’t.” 

“What was that?” Evie said. “Wait, should I even be here? This isn’t really my business.”

Jay smiled at her. “Hi Evie. Um, I vote you stay in case we need a tiebreaker. And Carlos wants to tell the Social Work department on her.” Evie looked confused. “Believe it or not, she’s a social work major.” 

Evie’s mouth dropped open. “Oh, we can’t allow that.” 

“Exactly my point,” Carlos said. “I’ve had social workers who were like her. They don’t want to help, they just want control over others. I would be doing the program a favor if I got her kicked out.” Jay crossed his arms, glaring at him. “But Jay doesn’t think it’s worth ruining her career over. And like Evie just said, she’s been very careful not to expose me, just to imply.” 

“Why?” Evie looked at Jay. “She doesn’t need to work if she doesn’t want to.” Jay walked over and flopped on the couch. Carlos sat next to him, holding his hand. 

“I guess I keep hoping it’ll have a good influence on her,” Jay said. “I’ve seen how happy some of the things she does in the social work program make her. Like making gift baskets for single moms for Christmas, doing volunteer work. She honestly thinks she’s a good person, and...I want her to be a good person. I know I don’t owe her anything, but I don’t want to ruin her life.” 

“And again, I think she doesn’t need to be ten miles near social work as a profession,” Carlos said. “I can’t see her good sides like Jay can. So I promised him I wouldn’t. Who know, maybe he’s right.” Carlos knew he could do it, clear the evidence off his computer, and then pretend it never happened. But he couldn’t do that to Jay.

“I just want her to get over it. Grow up,” Jay said. “By the way, she hasn’t contacted me about fathering her baby in a while. I guess she gave that ruse up.” 

“Good,” Carlos said. Evie nodded. “So, what do we do? We could do nothing, just watch and see what happens.” That gave Carlos an idea, and he started scrolling through the comments. “Huh. Looks like she’s getting criticized for coming after me.” 

Jay looked. “I think some of those are her fellow social work students. Oh good.” Evie moved so she was standing behind the couch to read over their shoulders. “They’re getting on her for slut-shaming and for implying that someone with a bad childhood is a bad person. And reminding her that’s not what they’re going to school for.”

“I’m gonna refresh this in a minute and see if it’s still up.” Carlos was secretly pleased. Maybe he wouldn’t have to call the program director if one of her classmates would. That would work out perfectly as far as he was concerned. 

But, Jay still didn’t want that to happen. So he didn’t say that out loud. 

Carlos checked a few minutes later, and sure enough, the post was gone. “Good. Now we don’t have to do anything, unless she tries something else.” Carlos got up. “Jay, you want anything to eat? I can fix something.” 

Jay got up. “I think I better get back home, I have football practice tomorrow.” Jay got up from the couch and went over to Carlos. They kissed for a long moment, then Jay let go. “I’ll text you when I’m done.” 

“Yeah.” Carlos closed the door after him. Evie was now scrolling on her phone. “I’m glad she took it down.” 

“Maybe looking bad in front of others will get her to stop coming after you.” Evie turned on the TV. “I just want her to give up and leave both of you alone. I think it’s really sad she’s doing this. Why would you chase someone like that?” 

“Yeah, agreed.” Carlos was already missing Jay. They had spent more time together since Jay found out about his past. There had been a lot of talking and lots of sex in between. Audrey’s plan had backfired in the worst way-they were even closer. Now he was feeling lonely without him. “I think I’m going to my room.” Evie smiled and beckoned him over for a kiss on the cheek before she let him go.

Carlos lay in bed for a long time. Talking about what had happened had made it present in his mind in a way it hadn’t been since he left high school. He’d managed to put it behind him, but now it was back. It made it hard to sleep, especially without Jay there. So he did deep breathing exercises, like a therapist had taught him years ago.

He did sleep, eventually. His dreams weren’t good.

…

A few days later, there was a knock on his door. He looked out the peephole. “Audrey, please go away,” he said. “I’m not opening this door.” 

“I just want to talk,” she said. 

“I don’t care. You did your best to ruin my relationship by exposing my past. And you got caught, didn’t you? Did someone report you to the head of the department?”

“Did you do that?” Audrey’s voice went up an octave. “I got called in for a talk! I knew it was you!” Carlos was getting pretty tired of this, so he yanked the door open. 

“It wasn’t me. For two reasons.” Audrey blinked at him, confused. “One, you didn’t actually expose me on Facebook, although the stuff you sent Jay would be more than enough to get you thrown out of the program.” Audrey swallowed hard, tears in her eyes. “But I didn’t, because Jay didn’t want me too.” 

Audrey stared at him. Carlos kept going. “He doesn’t want to hurt you. He’s hoping you’ll get it together and do good things with your life. He believes you can, despite everything. He doesn’t love you, but he can see the good in you. I can’t.” 

Audrey was crying now. Carlos took a deep breath. “I can’t stand you for sending that to Jay, but honestly, things have been better since we started talking about it. This is probably the worst thing you can do short of shooting us. So please, just drop it here. Give it up. Get therapy, or take a vacation. You don’t need to be this obsessed.” 

“You don’t know me,” Audrey said, still sniffling. “I thought he’d stay with me. Most people don’t. I know he doesn’t love me. But he could be so sweet.” Carlos watched her as her tears eventually dried. “I don’t know what to do.” 

“I think you do,” Carlos said. “You’ve got the money, get a change of scenery for a while. This obsession is just going to bring you you down. And I don’t want to sympathize with you, but I know what it’s like, to lose yourself trying to keep someone who isn’t right for you.” He thought of David and shuddered.

“I think yours were a lot different than mine. But, you’re right. I never should have used that against you.” She sniffled a little more, pulling a Kleenex out of her purse. “I went too far. I’m sorry.” 

Carlos nodded. “I don’t need the apology as much as Jay probably does. But I accept it.” 

“He’s not speaking to me,” she said. “Just let him know.” She stood there a minute, awkward, then left without another word. Carlos went back inside. 

…

“I’m glad she’s stopped.” Carlos and Jay were in his bed. Jay was naked, and Carlos wearing his underwear. “You got through to her, I can’t believe it.”

“I don’t really think I did,” Carlos said, running a hand down Jay’s chest. “I think the fact she was criticized by her friends and her program head was what woke her up. And then I told her I wasn’t the one who ratted her out. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I think.”

“She always wanted to appear perfect to her friends. I’m glad she apologized to you.” Jay put his hand over Carlos’s, lacing their fingers together. “I hope she goes away for a while. I’d be okay with her transferring schools. There’s no way I can be friends with her after this, but I still want her to be okay.” 

“That’s fair.” Carlos put his head on Jay’s shoulder. “I am glad I talked to her the way I did, you know, not yelling or screaming. I think it worked a lot better.” Jay played with his curls then, scratching his fingers through them. “Stop, I’m not a dog.”

“But you have pretty curls,” Jay said, smiling. “I love how you do your hair.” Jay looked adorable, his eyes crinkling as he smiled. 

“You’re messing them up, stop.” Carlos pushed his hand away, and Jay grinned and rolled on top of him. Jay kissed him deeply, his hair sliding around them so it was like a cocoon. Carlos could feel Jay’s cock against his hip. 

“I love you so much,” Jay said, and Carlos closed his eyes. “No, I do.” 

“I know,” Carlos said. “It’s still hard to believe sometimes.” Jay kissed him again. Carlos opened to it, and put a hand on the small of Jay’s back to hold him there. They made out for a while, until Jay moved up so he could get Carlos’s briefs off. Carlos wriggled out of them, and pushed his legs apart. 

“What do you want, baby?” Jay was looking over his body, but not touching. Since he found out about Carlos’s past, he’d been more careful to let him call the shots. Carlos liked it, even though sometimes he wanted to say he was fine, not made of glass. But at least Jay cared.

Carlos was quiet a minute, trying to decide. Jay frowned. “No, I’m okay,” he said quickly. “Um, can we suck each other off? That’s always fun.” 

Jay leaned down and kissed him. “At the same time, or can I go first?” Carlos laughed. Jay loved giving head once he got some practice in.

“You can go first.” Jay kissed him again, then slid down the bed. Carlos tangled his fingers in Jay’s hair and closed his eyes.

…

Carlos went back to his place to sleep. It was almost time for football season and Jay had a lot to do. Carlos was close to getting his degree, needing only a few more credits. He would graduate before Jay even though he was younger. He needed to get a job lined up. 

Evie was in her room, filming. Carlos went to his, and got out his laptop. He sat there for a minute, then put a name in the search bar. 

Numbly, he looked up David. He hadn’t really thought about him in years, burying the memories and feelings. He searched, finding articles about his arrest and trial. David had been successful, at one point. When the press found out he was leading a double life, they went with it. There were articles about the apartment he kept, about Carlos and the other boys he let stay there. 

Carlos already knew all of that. He wanted to find out what had happened to him after. It took some digging, but he found it. David had gone to prison for molesting him, and later, went back for possessing child porn. Now, he was living in a trailer and forbidden from having contact with minors. 

Carlos tried to will away the deep sadness in his chest. He knew David had gotten what was coming to him. He knew he shouldn’t feel upset or guilty. He knew Evie would smack the laptop out of his hands if she knew he was looking him up. 

But part of him still felt guilty. Part of him even still missed David. Carlos closed the tab and then the laptop, cursing himself for looking. 

“You’re happy now,” he whispered as he got ready for bed. “Jay loves you. David never did. Just forget about it. He can’t hurt you now.” He turned out the lights, and slowly relaxed until he wasn’t thinking about David anymore. He did his deep breathing exercises until he fell asleep.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos feels the aftereffects of his confession, and Mal comes for a visit.

The next few days were long. 

Carlos felt himself numb out, against his will. His old walls came up before he even knew it, and he didn’t know how to stop them. Looking up David online had been a big mistake, it seemed. 

Evie noticed first. She’d seen it all before, of course. After the second day, she sat him down. 

“What’s going on?”

Carlos didn’t look at her. “I think Jay finding out has opened some wounds, is all.” Evie nodded. “I didn’t mean to, but I feel like I’m frozen inside again.” 

“Have you talked to Jay?” 

Carlos shook his head. “I don’t know what to say, and I haven’t really seen him this week. He’s really working hard.” Evie moved to sit next to him, and took his hand. “I miss him. I don’t want to ruin anything by talking about my problems.”

“He wants to know,” Evie said. “Maybe tell him tonight if he texts you.” They sat together a while, and then Evie said, “Oh. He texted and told me his friend will be back. The one you were supposed to meet. And he wants us to get food together.” 

Oh, okay,” Carlos said. He didn’t think much of it. “Hope she’s not still mad at me.” Evie leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I don’t like feeling like this,” he said suddenly. 

“I know you don’t.” Evie put an arm around him as he slouched down and put his head on her shoulder. 

Later that night, he got a text from Jay. **Mal will be here Thursday. Is that okay for you?**

**Sure.** Carlos stared at his phone a whole. **When can I see you alone though? I miss you, and things have been hard lately.**

There was a pause. Then Jay typed **Want me to come over? We can just sleep.**

Carlos thought of all the good reasons to say no. He didn’t want to seem needy, Jay needed his sleep, and a hundred more. Then he texted **yes** back to Jay. Then he waited. 

Jay was there in fifteen minutes with an overnight bag. Carlos met him at the door, and he grabbed Carlos in a hug soon as he could. “What’s wrong? Are you just stressed out?” 

Carlos hugged him back hard. “Let’s go to my room first.” He guided Jay down the hall, and when they closed the door behind them, Jay stripped and got into his bed. Carlos got in with him. “I’m just having a rough week. The things I told you...I can’t stop thinking about them.” 

Jay was silent, but stroked his fingers down Carlos’s arm. “For a long time I just didn’t think about it,” Carlos said. “So it couldn’t hurt me. But now, it’s just all back in my head and I hate it so much. I just want to...cut it out of my brain. Never think of it again.” 

“I know,” Jay said softly. “I know what that’s like.” He moved slowly, getting closer and then pulling Carlos into his arms. “I wish I could forget some things too. But, we are the people we are because of what happened to us, right?” 

“Yeah. I’m a cranky, distrustful asshole,” Carlos answered, his voice not as stinging as his words. 

“You’re a lot more than that, and I think you know it,” Jay said, kissing the top of his head. “You’ve loved me even when I hurt you. I can take care of you. Just let me be here, I can sleep with you.” Carlos nodded and took off his shirt, then turned off the lamp. 

They cuddled together in his too-small bed, Jay’s face in his neck, until Carlos went to sleep.

…

On Thursday, Carlos and Evie went to the diner Jay picked for them to meet his friend Mal in. Evie wasn’t quite sure why she was there. 

“I mean, I like Jay now but we’re really not that close,” She said, looking at her nail polish. 

“I think he just wants both of us to get to know her. She’s important to him.” They waited a few more minutes, and then Jay came through the door with a short girl with long purple hair, a black and purple top, and black leather-looking pants. Jay waved at them. Mal noticed them and nodded in their direction before sliding into the booth so she was seated directly across from Evie. 

Carlos was up and getting a hug from Jay, so he didn’t notice the look on Evie’s face until he sat back down. Mal was staring at Evie, keeping eye contact. Evie, meanwhile, had turned bright red and was staring back like a bird hypnotized by a snake. 

Carlos looked over at Jay, who was trying not to laugh. “Mal,” he said, one hand still over his mouth. “Be good and say hi to my boyfriend.” 

Mal broke eye contact with Evie, then looked at Carlos. Again she stared, not caring if anyone found it rude, it seemed. After a minute, she said “Hi. You’re pretty good looking. Are you treating Jay right? I wouldn’t want to fight you.” 

“I am, I try to,” Carlos said. Mal was staring at Evie again, but she looked his way and gave him a quick smile at his answer. 

Carlos wanted to ask Jay what the hell his friend was doing, but then the waitress came up. They all ordered, and Carlos listened, dumbfounded, when Mal gave the waitress Evie’s order too. They had just met. 

Jay cleared his throat. “Mal, please be sociable. I probably won’t see you for another couple of months, and I want you to meet Carlos.” 

“I am being sociable,” Mal said with a faux-innocent smile. “I’m making a new friend.” She leaned across the table. “Jay said your name was Evie?” 

Evie cleared her throat. “Um, yes. I’m Carlos’s best friend. He’s really like my brother. He even lived with me a while.” Carlos wasn’t sure he liked the reference to that part of his past, but Evie was clearly flustered. 

“Same with me and Jay!” Mal smiled big at that. “We were in foster care together. He’s the best guy I know. Of course, he’s still a guy, so that’s not much of a compliment.” 

“Bitch,” Jay said with a laugh. Mal laughed and punched his arm. Carlos felt a little out of his league. These two were terrors together. And Mal was shamelessly checking Evie out, still. “Really,” Jay said. “Mal’s a great friend. She just comes off like hell on wheels half the time.” 

“Only half?” Mal switched her gaze to Carlos. “So I heard you two had problems, but you’re working them out.” Carlos nodded. “That’s why I didn’t see you last time. I couldn’t come back, because I was working a job a few states away.” 

“What do you do?” That was Evie. Carlos looked at her, she was still flushed, but seemed to be getting it back together a little. 

Mal smiled. “Little bit of everything, but I was a roadie for a band this time around. I’m a pretty good guitarist, and I got the job of guitar tech through a friend. I really had a great time. Everyone was cool. I was expecting problems but nothing happened.” 

“Oh, that’s great.” Evie got a little pinker, and Carlos looked over at Jay like _What is happening here?_ Jay just grinned and shook his head. 

The girls kept talking, and finally Jay and Carlos just ignored them and talked until their food came. They ate their burgers and fries and chatted. Mal soon paid more attention to the rest of them, and dinner went along smoothly. 

They got ice cream for dessert, and Carlos and Jay shared a sundae. Mal tried to share hers with Evie, but she shook her head. “Why not? I don’t have germs.” 

“I just don’t want ice cream,” Evie said softly. “I already ate enough tonight.” 

Mal raised an eyebrow. “Beautiful girls shouldn’t worry about their weight.” Evie’s eyes bugged out, then bugged out even further when Mal took Evie’s hand across the table. “I like you,” Mal said. “Why don’t you take me to your place? I’ll let you make me up.” 

Carlos knew his jaw was probably on the table by now. “Um Mal, Evie doesn’t really date girls...” That was as far as he got before Evie stood up. 

“Let me out, please,” Evie said, and handed him a twenty for her food. Carlos and Jay got up, “You can pay for Mal’s with that, too,” Evie said. The look she gave Mal was undeniably flirty. Then they were both gone, leaving Carlos and Jay staring at each other. 

“Wow. Holy fuck,” Jay laughed. “I guess I’ll be driving you home, shit.”

“Just take me to yours, I’m not sure I want to be there for whatever happens.” Carlos was in disbelief. “I’m serious, I’ve never seen Evie do that before. Is Mal a witch or something?” 

“She claimed she was when we met, but she was thirteen years old then. But yeah, Mal loves girls. She’s not seeing anybody, so I guess it’s not a big deal. Unless you think it is.”

“Well,” Carlos said. “I guess I don’t know. I hope Evie knows what she’s doing.” He thought about Evie telling him she was done with boys. Maybe this would be okay. But damn it was out of the blue, far as he could tell. “Let’s go to yours, I’m done.” 

Jay grinned and went to pay.

…

They wound up back at Jay’s, Carlos in his lap as they kissed. They had stripped, and Carlos wasn’t worried about anything then, just the way Jay’s mouth felt against his. Jay had his his hands cupping Carlos’s ass, squeezing. “Fuck. You’re amazing.” 

“You’re the one nearly on my dick,” Jay laughed. “Do you want to do it like this?” Carlos nodded, finding words hard right then. But he got the lube and a condom. Soon he was lowering himself onto Jay’s cock. “That’s it baby.” 

They took it slow, just moving together for a while. They kissed through it, long slow kisses that didn’t seem to end. Carlos was whimpering into Jay’s mouth, until he said “You can move faster, it’s all right.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Carlos braced himself and got a good pace going. “Is this good, or do you want to lie down?” 

“No, no, this is good, don’t stop.” Jay sat that with his lips against Carlos’s neck. Carlos kept moving until Jay grabbed his hips and thrust up, coming hard inside him. Carlos got himself off as Jay held him through it, biting Jay’s shoulder. 

When they were done, Jay collapsed on the bed. “Fuck, I love you,” he said, and Carlos laughed. Jay went to get rid of the condom, and Carlos laid back on the bed. He felt better than he had in a week, happy and sated. When Jay came back, Carlos kissed him a little off-center, getting the corner of his mouth. 

“I love you too,” he said. “You’ve really changed things for me.”

“Yeah? How?” Jay ran a hand down to Carlos’s hip. 

“I was going to move away, soon as I got my degree. Now I’m thinking of staying. Or going...wherever you go.” Carlos paused as Jay’s eyes widened. “It’s scary to say that out loud.” 

“Yeah. But if that’s what you want, I want that too.” Jay pulled the sheets over them. “If you did move away, we could make it work, but I’ll miss you. I’d rather have you near.” 

“Okay,” Carlos said, and then he stopped for a minute.

“What?” Jay stared at him. 

“Wow. Did we just make plans for the future?” He grinned at Jay, who laughed. 

“I think we did,” he said. “Wild.” 

“Yeah, I know.” Carlos snuggled up to him. “Let’s sleep.”

“Okay.” Jay turned off the lamp.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos and Jay make plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, this is it. I'm finishing it on a quiet note. Time to let this one go. I've really enjoyed it.

Carlos went to class the next day, and came home later. He found Evie in the living room with Mal as they watched TV. Evie looked like she was glowing. “Hi,” he said. “How are you two doing?”

“Very good,” Mal said with a wink. “I’m going to go to spend at least some time with Jay now, when he’s done with practice. See you later.” She leaned over and kissed Evie on the cheek. “Call me, I mean it.” 

“I will. Bye.” Carlos let Mal out, and looked at his best friend. 

“Okay, I don’t need too many details, but...what the fuck happened?” 

“Oh,” Evie said, wriggling in her chair. “We had so much fun. We put makeup on each other, watched TV...”

“Okay.” Carlos wondered if he had been wrong about Mal. 

“And we had sex, and oh my _God_ , I have never felt anything like that in my life. I want to sue all my former boyfriends. I thought sex had been really oversold.” Evie’s eyes were sparkling, and Carlos laughed, surprised. 

“Oh wow. Um, I’ m really glad for you. That’s fantastic.” Evie narrowed her eyes at him. “No, I mean it, congrats on your orgasm.” 

“Oh, there was more than one,” she said, grinning wickedly. Carlos collapsed on the couch, howling. 

“Good. So, you’re okay? Not having any sexuality crisis or anything?”

Evie sat next to him on the couch. “No. Everything felt too natural for me to consider worrying about it. I just hope I can see her again. She’s really sweet, believe it or not.” 

“Yeah, she moves around a lot, doesn’t she?” Evie nodded. “You like her?” She nodded again. “Don’t worry. I think she likes you too. Just try to stay in touch with her. Maybe she’s ready for someone to ground her a little.” 

“I guess I’ll see,” Evie said, wiping her eyes a little. “Oh God, I really like her.” Carlos pulled Evie into his arms, hugging her tight. 

“I’m happy for you. I really am,” he said, and she sniffled a little. “It’s going to be okay.” Carlos kissed her blue hair, and Evie giggled through the tears. “See. That’s my girl.” He hoped it would be okay. Evie deserved someone nice. 

“Thank you,” Evie said. “How did you and Jay get along last night?”

“Great,” Carlos said. “We talked about what we wanted to do when we got out of school. No real plans yet, but we mentioned it.” 

“Good,” Evie said. 

“We had sex too, as long as we’re confessing,” Carlos said, grinning at her. 

“Well, I knew that,” she said. “You two can’t keep your hands off each other.” 

“We have some restraint,” Carlos said in token protest. “Sometimes we just sleep naked in each other’s arms.” 

“Oh yeah, that’s always nice,” Evie said. “I’m going to fix some lunch. You want anything?” 

“Just a sandwich.” Carlos then got out some papers he had from school. He had some decisions to make.

…

He met Jay later that week. He had been busy, and was trying to get things set up for after graduation. So he had been really tired. Jay was busy too. Finally, they wound up at Jay’s place, curled on the couch. “I’ve got something to tell you.” 

“Yeah?” Jay looked a little wary. 

“I changed my schedule a little, and I can graduate by the end of this semester. And then I can go to work.” 

“Wow.” Jay grinned. “I’m so happy for you.” 

“I’m trying to find a job that won’t have me moving more than fifty miles from here,” he said. “You’ve got some more time before you graduate, so I want to be somewhat close. I wish I could get a job in town but there’s not a lot of jobs in my field.” 

“I can live with fifty miles away,” Jay said. “I can still see you that way. It’ll be a lot for gas, though.”

“I can help with that,” Carlos said, and leaned over to kiss him. Jay kissed back, soft. Carlos pulled back. “I want us to get an apartment of our own soon. But we’ll worry about that when you graduate.” Jay nodded, and held his hand. 

“You’re not going to see a lot of me for a while,” Carlos said. “I’m going to be taking a lot of classes. But I think it’ll be worth it in the end.” 

“I think so too. This way, you can get off to a good start. And whenever I figure out what I want to do, I’ll come live with you.” Carlos nodded. “What about Evie?”

“She’s making enough now to live on her own,” Carlos said. “Her channel’s doing really well. Oh, her and Mal have really hit it off.” 

“Tell me about it. Mal can’t stop talking about her. She’s leaving tonight, but she's with Evie and not me.” 

“I know. One reason why I’m here.” Jay laughed. “I mean it, they’re loud!” Jay laughed harder. 

“I know. One time I lived with Mal. It didn’t last long.” Jay shook his head. “I love her though. She’s wild, but she’s family. She cussed me out when she found out that I’d lied about Audrey to have sex with you.”

“Well, I’m sorry she cussed you out, but you kinda deserved it.” Carlos brushed through Jay’s long hair. “Hey, you’re not modeling this year?”

“I didn’t have time,” Jay said. “I kind of liked it, even though it’s cold. And it’s good money. I’m just getting by on my waiter job right now. I have some savings, but I don’t want to touch it.” Carlos nodded. “How are you?” 

“I’ve given my two weeks notice.” Jay nodded. He knew, of course. “But I’ve got a job at the school. It’s just office work, but I’m sure I’ll like it more than bussing tables.” 

“It does get old,” Jay said. “So, you’re really changing your plans for me?” Carlos nodded. “Good. I’ve been turning down modeling gigs. Remember that weird guy who took pictures of me? He’s called again. I told him I was too busy.” 

“I wouldn’t mind like, fashion modeling,” Carlos said. “But you know I worry about guys like that.” He wouldn’t want to see that guy again.

“Yeah, I don’t want to make you worry,” Jay said. “If I’m having trouble with money I’ll let you know.” Carlos nodded, and Jay pulled him in close, cuddling him to his chest. They stayed there like that until Ben and Uma came in. 

“Hey guys,” Ben said as they got up. “You don’t have to go back…” But they were already heading to Jay’s room. “Okay, see you.” 

They didn’t do much, in Jay’s room. Carlos read books, Jay did some homework. It was a quiet night. 

After a while, Jay nudged him. “Did you ever save that drawing from figure class you did of me?” 

Carlos looked over and nodded. “It’s in my closet. It’s not very good, but I knew I was going to keep it when we started talking. Even before we really got together.” 

“We went through a lot in a short amount of time,” Jay said. “I’m glad you didn’t tear it up after some of the stuff I did.” 

“You weren’t the only one,” Carlos said. “Let’s just agree that things are good for now, even if we don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.” 

“Right. For now.” Carlos leaned over and kissed Jay softly.


End file.
